Monday, February 20, 2012

The Thing

Yes, I know. I just wrote you guys a farewell message, letting you all know that I'll be crazy busy partying my buns off this week. And believe you me, I did indeed party like a Rockstarr last night. I'm spending today recuperating. Believe me, folks. Drinking Tequila Straight from a glass is fun but also leads to shenanigans which leads to being very tired. I got home at 4am and shared a bed with my cat. Instead of going out again this evening I stayed in and watched a movie. And this is a pretty good movie. The film I saw today is called The Thing. And I'm not talking about the one done in the 1950's or John Carpenter's creation that earned a 10/10 on the WTF-Scale. I'm talking about the remake of the remake. 

The Thing (2011) is directed by some dude whose name I can't pronounce.
Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. As far as I'm concerned and for the rest of this entry, the director's name is pronounced like this:

video

 Now that we have the director's name all cleared up, let us begin.

So The Thing takes place in Antarctica, which is pretty much the best setting for a horror movie. Why is this? Not only is it entirely isolated and help is nowhere to be found, it's really fucking cold

Brr.
As my Father would say, Antarctica is located on "the bum of the planet" therefore it receives very little sunlight. And you and I both know that horror movies are scariest when they're in the dark! So a team of scientists, etc, are called forth when an interesting discovery is made... a Space ship, that is. And a specimen

[Insert spooky oooooo sound here] 

So in case you were unaware,The Thing is in fact an alien movie. And I think it's a fantastic alien movie. Not only is it quite similar to the classic Alien, but it also has a demonic possession feeling to it.  
 This movie does an excellent job at drawing you in, right from the start. The idea in this movie is that the Alien has the ability to take the form of the last being it kills. So naturally, the monster could be anyone at the base... 

Well this is awkward.

My brother and I turned into hardcore detectives during this film. We were practically documenting everybody's whereabouts on a freakin' clipboard for the duration of the film. We'd pause and take attendance, just like Middle School. We were Sherlock and Watson. The baddest brother/sister alien detection squad there ever was

So I suppose its fair to say that this movie is extremely gripping. Either that or my brother and I got way too intense and enjoyed the movie too much. Now, I'd like to mention something. Whenever I pick a favorite character in a movie, they're always doomed. Doomed to die a terrible death. Example: 

Favorite:
Thomas Kretschmann as Major Cain in Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Result:

Nibbled by Zombies.

 Favorite:
♥Tim Roth as Mr. Orange in Reservoir Dogs
 Result:

Bleeding to death

Favorite:

John Hurt as Kane in Alien

Result:

Alien bursts through chest.

etc. 

Despite my unfortunate talent for getting the guys I declare my favorite in movies killed , I continually insist on picking favesies. And I picked a favorite in The Thing.


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*Facepalm*

I couldn't resist! He was really hot in a Tim Roth sort of way so I had to declare that he was my favorite.

This is he.

Mmmmmm! Me likey! Me likey! He's British. I love his character's snarky attitude. And since I never really picked up on his name through the film, I named him myself. I called him: 

My Babe. 

Though he was mostly called My Babe, he was also referred to as "The Brit" in my bro and I's attendance calls. 

Shush your mouth, we're taking attendance!

 Seriously, though. Don't you agree? Isn't he fantastic? He's hot and he's got a bad attitude. He's the kind of guy that would be allowed to bring handcuffs into my bedroom, if you know what I mean. 
  • You can adore his face at 1:34. He's the one on the far right:


And here he is gnawing on gum and being a friendly mofugga at the premier: 

  
I've gotten off track.
Where was I going with this? Ah, yes. Favorites. Doomed
 

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I'm sorry I killed you! Waa. *Icecream*

In all seriousness, My Babe aside, this is a really great film. It's even more fun when you get into it like my brother and I did. My Bro pretty much had his shit together. He had it all figured out, he knew what the deal was, he kept tabs on the characters, he was on the ball. Me, not so much. I spent most of the movie realizing I probably wouldn't make it that long. While my brother was the Bear Grylls of Antarctica and Aliens, I was like: 

I WOULD HAVE DIED.

Not to mention I would likely spend the entire time bitching about the weather. 

I'm cold! Its snowing! I wanna go home! Give me hot chocolate! I can't find my warm socks! Pay attention to me! I'm cold! I can see my breath! Someone lend me their jacket! Don't actually give me your jacket, you'll freeze! I'm cold! BRR! It's really fucking Brr outside! I want hot chocolate! I want to be in Mexico! Why isn't it nice outside? Someone light a fire!

Etc. 

I'd pretty much be the first to go. So I'll just enjoy my position as the observer and cheer for My Babe as he fights aliens in the frigid cold. 
Ok, I keep trying to get serious but the tequila that's still lingering in my system is prohibiting that.

Let's put it this way, the first bit of the movie is actually really grody. Its scary as hell and you can't help but cringe and consider turning off the TV/ encouraging the characters to get on the helicopter while they still have a chance. The scene where we see the shower is actually horrifying (and that's coming from someone who is not squeamish at the sight of blood in the slightest bit). 
You do have to pay attention though, as the characters can be a bit tricky to keep tabs on: Who is Lars, again? Is he the guy with the beard? <--- My point.

Although I have never seen John Carpenter's The Thing (I know, a movie sin) I get the feeling that it might be scarier than this new one. Though of course I cannot actually say this, as I have not seen it. This new movie is supposedly the Prequel to Carpenter's. I am rather excited to see the 80's version. I was once told to watch The Thing while its snowing outside, as it "heightens the tension". Believe it or not it's not actually snowing up here in the Great White North, so I'll just have to make do without. 


The Final Word: I recommend it. This movie was fun and there were a number of scenes that surprised me so bad I either jumped out of my skin or screamed a little (or both). BUT if you're excited that this movie takes place in Antarctica because thats where the Penguins live, I'll tell you that you shouldn't get your hopes up, as the penguins had enough sense to get the hell outta dodge. 


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Run awaaaay!

-Captain

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