Monday, October 31, 2011

The Scariest Sh*t I've ever seen


 In honor of the spookiest night of the year, I have decided to compile a list of the Top 10 Scariest Things I have ever seen, to contribute to the ghoulish spirit of October 31st! So without further ado, here is El Capitain's Scary List! 


10.  That commercial with Ovechkin's head in some kid's locker 

Admit it. That's pretty damn Creepy. 

[Insert woman-shriek here]
In my opinion, Ovechkin is scary enough without being a creepy talking disembodied head. Sure, he's a fantastic Hockey player, this is certain. In my opinion, that one awesome goal against the Habs solidifies this fact for the rest of time. But I prefer Ovechkin on the ice, with a helmet and mouthgard on. Not with his head in my locker. 

NO! D:

9. The scene from The Descent 2 where Sarah pops up out of nowhere
 (for some reason I couldn't embed the video, Sorry!)

Not too long ago, I accidentally took a few too many T3's... I wandered downstairs, to find my father watching a movie. Before I could even open my mouth to ask what was on, This disgruntled blonde chick pops up and presses herself against the car window. In my sleepy, dazed state, I screamed and jumped about 2 feet in the air. Like this: 
And thus this scene finds itself of the list of Stuff that scared the living daylights out of El Capitain.

8. The Morlocks from the Bark To The Future Episode of Wishbone

This was scarier when I was alone in my basement in the 90's.

OK, so you're laughing at me. Those of you that grew up in the 90's probably watched Wishbone. And are very well aware that it's a children's show. But a bunch of ape-like troglodytes called Morlocks that come out in the dark and try to FEAST ON YOUR FLESH or even worse... DRAG YOU INTO THEIR CREEPY WELL are worth being scared of. In my humble opinion. 

Lucky for us, though, the Morlocks are afraid of light. So as long as you're armed with a Flashlight, everything should be ok. 
God forbid our Batteries run out.
 H.G Wells sure did a good job creating a creepy monster that goes BOO! in the dark, and Wishbone did a great job of scaring the children of the 90's

Yes, random Youtube user. Yes indeed.
Here's a Link to the 3rd part of the episode. (May I also mention that this Episode of Wishbone taught me how to do fractions? Ahh, God Bless wholesome family programming).
7. The Chest Buster Scene from Alien 

I would like to mention that the movie Alien scared me thoroughly from start to finish. And this scene in the kitchen was too much for my mind to handle. 
 The WORST possible thing that could happen, happened. Here is the scene in 6 photos, accompanied by my train of thought: 

Hey, he's kinda cute.
omg somethings wrong with him.
omg somethings really wrong with him.
Well that was an unfortunate waste.
  Why does the cute one always die?
I shall leave you with that deep question and move on to #6.

 6. Quint's Death scene in Jaws

Um. A guy screaming his lung out while being chewed to death by a shark. It's pretty disturbing. And when the actor snaps the blood pack in his mouth and screams in agony, well, you can't help but feel for the guy. 

The worst way to go.
This movie ruined the ocean for me. Thanks, Jaws. Thanks a lot.

5. The Baby monitor scene from Insidious

 This movie is damn scary. We see a lady, playing the piano. And suddenly the baby monitor crackles. A man's voice rages "I WANT IT NOW!" She runs up the stairs and sees the figure of a demon standing in the window. HOW SCARY IS THAT!? It would be enough to do me in. No baby monitors will ever be allowed in my house. Ever.

4. The First Wolf we see in Frozen
I screamed so loud the neighbor came over with a shotgun and the police on speed-dial.
 Ok, folks. So I've mentioned Frozen like a gagillion times in my blog... (proof) but so what? It's scary! And I believe the scariest part of the film is when we first see the wolves. My loud scream scared the audience more than the movie did. What followed ranks as Super-Disturbing in my opinion. What happens? Oh, well this poor guy is only eaten alive by wolves and all. 

I'm almost too embarrassed to admit to the internet how hard I cried.
Again. Why do the cute ones always die? (I shall investigate this conundrum another day).

3. The Scene from Blade Runner when Roy crushes a man's skull with his bare hands 

The glasses UP the pity factor D: Poor old man!

 So I'm not a squeamish person at all. And I love Sexy Saturday Alumnus Rutger Hauer. But this scene? Yeuch. It made my stomach roll. I was thoroughly uncomfortable by the end. 

I honestly can't even bear to watch this. I've seen this scene twice and it makes me sick. And the look on Hauer's face while he's doing it? AHHH D: And the sound the old man is making as he's dying?  Double-AHHH D: Definitely a fitting choice for Halloween. 
I may need counseling thanks to this.

 2. That scene in Saw when the bad guy jumps out of the closet 

Major WTF.
OK. So apparently nobody has thought to put this scene up on the Internet. Anywhere. Seriously. I Put in the Youtube search bar "Saw Camera Flash Scene" and the top video results were "Jizz in my pants", "Taylor Swift- Mine" and "Raccoon attacks". WTF. But those of you who have seen Saw will remember the jumpy scene where a poor, unsuspecting character has the power go out in his apartment. Instead of fleeing from the building with a machine gun in hand (like you should do in a horror movie...) he walked around his apartment, using the flash on his camera to see in the dark. Of course he opens the closet, takes a flash picture and BAM! A scary-as-hell pig-masked individual springs from the closet. And I screamed. LOUD. 

1. The Creature of Darkness from The Neverending Story 

Ok, people. Here it is. #1. And of course it's non other than G'mork the werewolf from The Neverending Story. Guys, this terrible thing has been haunting me and causing my nightmares since I was about 6 or 7 years old. What's worse than a creature so evil that it has materialized out of pure darkness? It lurks in the forest with glowing green eyes, and, oh right, it talks. 

It is because of this terrifying 80's puppet that all wolf-like creature flicks are so scary to me. And I have yet to find another movie werewolf that is as scary as this one. Voiced by Alan Oppenheimer, to me this thing is the epitome of nightmare
Gmork redefines the Big Bad Wolf. And it is because of that he has earned his spot as the #1 Scariest thing I have ever seen. 

Happy Halloween!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Sexy Saturday: Rutger Hauer

Guys. sometimes life sucks
Your favorite hockey team just can't seem to win, the people in your life are being difficult, and your workload is just far too much to bear. 

It's been a bad week.
 It's good to know that no matter how blue you may be feeling, there is always a cure. I would like to introduce to you an actor that I have been crushin' on like crazy... I am proud to bring you, for this week's Sexy Saturday... 

Rutger Hauer!
Ohhhh yes!

I think I should rephrase this, so there aren't any misunderstandings. 
Rutger Hauer in the '80s.
(Because right now Rutger Hauer is very old and known for his role as Hobo With a Shotgun. And that doesn't cure depression, it actually worsens it). 
No! D:
Yes! :D
Oh my God, Rutger Hauer.

"Gorgeous" is an understatement. He redefines masculinity and handsomeness. Blonde hair, blue eyes, sexy gravelly voice, and a body that would make any woman weak at the knees. Rutger Hauer is a god. 
Rutger Olsen Hauer was born on January 24th, 1944 in Breukelen, Holland (in the Netherlands). This handsome Dutch actor stands at an impressive 6'1". His nickname? The Dutch Paul Newman. 
Hauer has an interesting biography, as he was known for getting into plenty of mischief as a child and young man.  
The badboy thing comes as no surprise...
 If you aren't convinced yet, allow me to push you over the edge. With this photo


 So now that we're all on board and agree that Rutger Hauer is AMAZING, allow me to enlighten you on his filmography.
Hauer's roles include (but are not limited to): The Rite (2011), Hobo With a Shotgun (2011) But we're pretending that never happened., Sin City (2005), and Blade Runner (1982). 

Loved him in Blade Runner

 Now, Rutger Hauer starred in a movie that is very close to my heart. My favorite love story, Lady Hawke (1985) is a beautiful story about absolutely true, undying love. Starring alongside Michelle Pfeiffer and Matthew Broderick, Hauer plays the brooding Captain Etienne Navarre. I really could go on and on about this movie, it was so beautiful.  I think that movie alone is cuter than that Sidney Crosby commercial and this photo COMBINED.

This photo is a love story.
My heart melts every time.

 Now, part of Hauer's sex appeal comes from his voice. Here's a clip from Blade Runner, for educational purposes:

Ok, so now that my entire audience is in love with this talented, lovely actor, I recommend you all go rent a swack of 80's films starring Mr. Hauer. :)

Ladyhawke, my personal favorite :) Rutger Hauer on my favorite horse breed = an irregular heartbeat and butterflies.

 If 80's films really aren't your thing, you have serious issues I know that Hauer has been in a number of war pieces, and made-for-TV-movies, including Fatherland (1994), Hostile Waters (1986), Tactical Assault (1999), and many more. 

Tune in for this! :)
 Well at the end of the day, My Favorite hockey team still makes me cry, men are still a mystery wrapped in a riddle, and I still have a massive midterm to write on Tuesday. But I suppose these troubles are all a little less with a face like this: 

El Capitain OUT! 

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

The Descent

Alright, Kids. So the other day we warmed up with a cheese-ball movie called Red Riding Hood. Today we're going to talk about an older movie (2005) that always manages to creep me out. And by creep me out I mean make me jump out of my seat and spend the rest of the night under my covers like this: 

Only I don't wear glasses and the last time I wore my hair like that I was about 4 years old.
The movie I'm going to review today is The Descent

The Descent is a British Film directed by Neil Marshall. It stars a whole bunch of gorgeous ladies that haven't starred in any major films. The cast includes, but is not limited to: Shauna MacDonald, Natalie Mendoza, and Alex Reid.

So what's this creep-tastic film about, El Capitain? You may ask. Well, dear reader, this movie is about a group of long-time British Gal Pals that travel to America to go on a Spelunking adventure. 

Claustrophobics BEWARE
Right off the bat, the film sets a terrible feeling with a foreboding musical score (inspired, perhaps, by The Shining's opening scene? No doubt). Though the first bit of the film is innocent enough, we can't help but get the creeps. Perhaps it was the cold, damp forests of the Appalachian mountains, or the jarring flashbacks of a brutal car accident endured by Sarah (the film's protagonist played by Shauna MacDonald). 

Beautiful... but eerie.
The ladies are supposedly going to explore Borhem Caverns, a touristy cave system. Little do they know, Juno (the troupe's adventure-seeker and wrong-doer) has taken them to an unexplored cave... 

Does this look safe to you!?!?
Now, one thing about this movie that I thoroughly respect, is that it followed almost all the rules of a perfect horror film. 
1. Isolation 
2. Darkness
3. Suspense 
4. Surprises 

Of course part of the tunnel caves in. It had to happen. Now our little spelunkers are trapped in the dark. 

Very bad things are about to happen...
In the dark, in an uncharted cave system. 
If you pay close attention during the movie, you can see creepy figures climbing about the walls. It was at this point in the movie my inner coward said:  
LEAVE! Leave, Damn you! Save yourself the torture and just get the hell out of dodge before something really bad happens! 
But my inner champ said: 
Of course I listen to my inner champ. 

Let's do this.
The troupe presses onwards into the dark depths of the cave, trying to find a way out. Those of you that are afraid of the dark, or closed in spaces, this movie is perfect for you! The majority of this film is so dark, so eerie, that you find yourself straining your eyes, trying to see around the characters. 

As a side note, does anyone else do that? Over-opening your eyes in hopes that you will magically develop cat-vision and see in the dark? 

Yeah. That.
Anyways. Back to the movie. It isn't too awfully long before we see the first creature. And BOY is it ever a shocker!

I hate that. Something creeping right over your shoulder in the dark? Blhiahfsafhjf. Talk about scary. If you didn't get startled, or jump during that scene, you should be given some kind of award. 

'gratz. You don't have the brain power to register a startling predator.
The film progresses as any other horror film. The group splits up, the humanoid cave dwellers get vicious, and people's head lamps start breaking. Great. So its dark, cramped, and crawling with scary thingies that like biting people's throats out. Wonderful. 
All in all, the more I see this movie, the creepier it seems to get. I found it extremely uncomfortable. It's loaded with SURPRISE! Jump-scenes, right from the start. I can almost guarentee you'll make a mad dash for your bed, hide under the covers, and hold your breath. 

..... or maybe that was just me. 

I would recommend this film. Although it wasn't psychologically stimulating, or a real terror-fest; it was pretty scary, and prompted a feeling of dread in the audience. 

Oh. And the ending
Whaa? Noo D:

I'll let you see for yourselves ;) 

El Capitain OUT!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Red Riding Hood

You know, since it's October I think I'm going to make an effort to review nothing but spooky movies. This may prove to be a bit difficult, because I happen to be a bit of a horror movie chicken...

AHG! Please hold me!
So we're going to warm up with a movie that's not really all that scary. The movie we're talking about today is Red Riding Hood (2011). Directed by none other than Catherine Hardwicke, who, as you may know, hopped aboard the Fail-Train and brought us Twilight (2008). 
Ok, ok. I'll try to be less of a cynical bitch. 
I'm not sure.
 Red Riding Hood stars the gorgeous Starlet Amanda Seyfried (Mama Mia, Letters to Juliet, Dear John, etc); Gary Oldman (Harry Potter, The Book of Eli, etc); and Shiloh Fernandez (who hasn't been in any notable productions...). 

Might I add, I became thrilled to learn that Gary Oldman would be apart of this movie! Here at the Cinema Club, we love Gary Oldman! 
YAY! Gary Oldman!
And he's a fantastic actor! ;)
 The movie follows Amanda Seyfried's character, Valerie, and the inhabitants of the haunted village Daggerhorn. 

It would appear to be a village inhabited by teenage babes. Hmm. Fancy that.

 What is this village haunted by, you may ask? Well, non other than the big bad werewolf, of course! 

Naturally, the werewolf aspect of this film appealed to me greatly. I am terrified of such creates! Reason being provided here. Evidence of this fear is noted in several past entries, especially here. So all in all, I have a sort of horrified fascination with shaggy canine thingies with teeth. So when I heard about Red Riding Hood, I got pretty darn excited and spent the first portion of the movie like this: 

Shhhhh.... The werewolf is coming.....

My Excitement was quickly distinguished because, well, ..... we'll talk about that later.What's important now is that we get the characters of this film figured out, as the entire movie turns out to be a guessing game, trying to figure out who the big bad wolf is... So, here is an introduction to the characters we see the most in the film: 


All the boys like me the best.

Potential Sexy Saturday...?

He looks like more of a Scott than a Henry to me...

He's the werewolf hunter.
So what we're supposed to gather from this green-screened adventure is that Valerie is in love with Peter (She has been since they were children), and Peter is in love with Valerie. But since Valerie is played by Amanda Seyfried and she's freakin' gorgeous, Henry is also in love with Valerie. But of course Valerie doesn't love him back. Is think looking familiar to some of you people...? 

Red Riding Hood Cast...
...Twilight Cast

 It's the same damn thing, people
To which the preteen population of America replies:

So anyways, Werewolf-hunting Gary Oldman (AKA Solomon) comes into the picture on a prancy, floofy white horse. He intends on solving Daggerhorn's Werewolf problem.

Does this look like proper werewolf hunting gear to you? I think not!
The problem is, the werewolf is amongst the villagers, so Gary here kinda has to keep them on lock down.

Guys, this movie was crap. 

Medieval girl on girl?
 Even their werewolf was disappointing. I personally found Peewee's Big Adventure to be more terrifying than this film.  

Oh dear god, make it stop!
But I suppose if you're into that whole teenage-forbidden-love-omg-I-think-I'm-a-werewolf sort of drama, you'll probably enjoy this movie. The acting blew, the writing blew, and the fake snow was an embarrassment. 

I can really only think of one thing I liked about this film, and it was the cinematography. Most of the film took place outdoors in the forest and we got an eerie, haunting vibe throughout the film. So kudos, those in charge of the visuals. You guys did a good job. 

El Capitain OUT!