I am the Canadian Puck Bunny. And as a hockey lover and resident Canadian, Winter is my busy season (for those of you who don't live in Canada, I shall inform you that we have two seasons here in the north: Winter and Not Winter). It is during the winter time that I am active on The Twitter, watching Hockey, "studying" in University, and (of course) keeping up with this blog. As regular readers have noticed, this blog has been dead since Winter decided to take a break and let "summer" have a turn. What has awakened me from my backwards hibernation, one may ask?
A Number of Things.
First and foremost, I would like to mention right now that I am CONSIDERABLY PO'ed. Puck Bunnies do not LIKE to be awakened from their hibernation!!! But a considerable list of matters has reached my rabbit ears and I feel the need to set the record straight.
Everybody STFU and listen to what I have to say.
1.Blogger changed their editing layout around since I was last here. AND I DON'T LIKE IT.
2. DO NOT go to see that new Batman movie. Apparently you will be shot to death. Be patient and wait for it to come out on Netflix.
3. And this is the biggie- apparently they're re-doing and/or adding to the Bourne Movies. This is VERY BAD. When I first made this discovery I was comfortably snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. Then the preview came on and I pretty much shot up and asked the TV:
You CANNOT re-do a movie trilogy that is already perfect in every way shape and form!
I repeat: perfect.
After my spastic reaction to the trailer, my annoyed boyfriend called me a Cry-Baby. Although I quieted down, I desperately tried to use telepathy to tell my boyfriend:
I quickly dismissed the matter and attempted to pass it off as a bad dream. But alas, today I was watching TV when the trailer came on again. My Reaction? Something like this:
I am thoroughly irked by this matter. I'm sorry, but one cannot replace Matt Damon's sexy action packed adventures through Europe with... with... THIS:
Readers, I would like to announce that as of TODAY, I am a brand new me. Well, not entirely. Still the Canadian Puck Bunny. But with a new attitude. See, I recently had my heart broken my my lovely one. My initial reaction to this was like so:
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Phase two of the Canadian Puck Bunny's heartbreak looked a little bit like this:
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Which was closely followed by a little bit of this:
Right. So what I'm trying to say is this:
~It Wasn't Pretty~
But now I have decided to adopt a whole new point of view. I'm going to stop wearing sweatpants every day! Start eating healthy again! Pay my visa bills! And stop spending my weekend nights alone at home with my cats!
YES!
Plus, today I was told (by a native speaker) that my Russian is actually quite good! So I'm pretty much feeling like:
Readers, today I had an epiphany. This epiphany stemmed from my movie experience in Film Class yesterday. What is it I realized? Movie are like chips.
We all love chips. Potato chips are good. But if you're my friend Scotty you only like corn chips. And if you say you don't like chips, we all know:
Bitch You LIE!
And we also know that we all love movies. Movies are good. And if you say you don't like movies, we all know:
Bitch You LIE! ...AGAIN!
So what is the relation? Other than all this lovin'? (and do keep in mind, this article is written in my humble opinion). Classic Chips, like Classic Movies, are boring.
MY REASONING:
Yesterday in class we had to watch Citizen Kane, which is probably one of the most classic movies ever. But it was so boring. Boring as hell. Just like Classic flavored chips.
While watching Citizen Kane, I was like:
And if the only snacks available while I'm hungry are Classic Chips, I'm like:
If my film prof heard me say that he'd probably slap me upside the head. Because "Citizen Kane is an amazing film and Orson Wells is a genius, and blah blah blah". But all I have to say is NO. Citizen Kane makes a blank piece of paper look interesting.
One of the most famous lines ever... "Rosebud"
That clip is gross. I don't want to see an extreme closeup of someone's mouth unless it's Ryan Gosling's. Furthermore, that Mustache reminds me of Dr. Phil's and that's disgusting. My final point on Citizen Kane is that the most interesting aspect of this film is the name of Kane's mansion: Xanadu. Not to mention, the room trashing scene moments before Kane's death reminded me entirely of the room trashing scene in the disaster movie The Room.
So now that we know that Classic Movies = Classic Chips, we can move on to more exciting stuff. New Movies = Flavored chips.
MY REASONING:
So not all movies are good. And not all flavored chips are good. But there is always that one weird person that likes that one weird movie. And that one weird person that likes ketchup flavored chips. I may or may not be that weird person. So no matter what movie or chip flavor you're talking about, someone's bound to love it.
My logic blows your mind.
Furthermore, whether or not you like flavored chips or new movies, chances are they're not boring like Classic flavor.
Now we've covered Classic Movies and Boring Chips, Newer Movies and Flavored Chips, its time to talk about those fucking weird movies and those weird as hell chip flavors. Some things are just too weird. And messed up chip flavors = messed up movies.
MY REASONING:
Chances are you've seen one movie that's left you thinking "WTF IS THAT FUCKERY?" And if you've been down the This-Makes-You-Fat aisle at your grocery store, you know that there are some messed up chip flavors out there. Need an example? I'll use the crown jewel of fucked up chips.
Onion Rings and Ketchup Flavor. Yes this is one flavor. No I am not kidding. Here is proof:
I know, right? Crazy. I didn't even know people mixed ketchup and onion rings together! THAT EXISTS? What the hell. How the hell did someone pitch that idea? Were a bunch of idiots working for Doritos sitting around snorting cocaine and drinking tequila when one decided he wanted something to eat so he got onion rings and the drunk bastard sitting next to him spilled ketchup on them but he was all "what the hell I'm high and drunk and starving so I'll eat them anyways" then he was like "whoa this is fucking delicious we should sell this shit?" (biggest run on sentence ever, brah). SERIOUSLY. I was so intrigued by this conundrum of a flavor that I actually bought a bag and brought it home. I pounced on my poor unsuspecting father. I said "Daddy Dearest, I have something delicious for you to try" (or something like that). Then I fed him the Ketchup Onion Ring Doritos because I am a terrible daughter. My poor father gagged and actually spat them out. On the floor. Dramatically. Then he wiped his tongue and asked what in God's name I fed him.
I then ran for my life.
Movies like that exist. Movies so weird that you're left wanting to rip your eyes out like Oedipus Rex or erase your memory. The movie equivalent to spitting chips out on the floor and wiping your tongue. The example that pops into my mind is Man With a Movie Camera. Seriously, that movie is as weird as Onion Ring & Ketchup flavored chips and then some.
But then again, there are some weird chip flavors out there that are actually kind of delicious. Like Extreme Pickle. That's weird. But it's good. Sure, it leaves blisters on your tongue after you eat it. And sure, you're more or less positive there are more chemicals in that bag of chips than there is in a meth lab. And yeah, you're convinced that after eating a bag all to yourself you'll suffer the same sort of fate as Chernobyl victims and produce mutated children. But its good. And you're strangely attracted to them. And you and I both know there are movies like that too.
So there you have it, folks. Movie are like Chips.
Dear Blogger, thank you for existing so I have something to do other than continually checking NHL trade center when I have a big paper due tomorrow.
I keep "trying" to write my essay. But I end up doing this:
So then I waste time on the NHL's website. Then I make burn myself some lunch. Then I find myself here doing dumb crap like this:
I am still desperate for a pet koala. Can I have one? Pretty please? Pleeease?
As excellent as this procrastination post has been, nothing can beat what I did last semester. Instead of writing my history paper I took a plane to Ontario.
It's February the Thirteenth. And we all know what that means.
~*~*~*Tomorrow is Valentine's Day~*~*~*
BLEH. Gag me. I hate Valentine's day. You know why? 'Cause I'm a bitter, surly bastard.
And Valentine's Day snuck up on us really fast this year. I was blissfully unaware of the date. Then I looked at a calendar and this was me:
OMGWTF.
Day = Ruined. Valentine's day is not nice for recently heartbroken and painfully single folks. I happen to be both of those things. And I'm usually not heartbroken around Valentine's. Usually I'm just single and having a bitchin' time with my gal pals. EX:
Last year on St. Valentine's Day, my best friend and I were celebrating her birthday at an awesome sports bar. We watched my favorite hockey team absolutely destroy their opponent, then we drank and danced and it was memorable times.
Us:
The year prior to that was also awesome. I went on Vacation with my friend. My ass was on a beach. In Cuba. You and I both know it doesn't get much better than that.
The Canadian Puck Bunny visits Cuba!
But what's happening on this year's Valentine's Day? I'm writing a midterm exam while sitting next to That Cute Guy that happens to have a girlfriend. I intend on eating icecream while watching hockey and I'll probably look just like this:
As of now, I have decided that V-Day actually stands for
Vaginal Trichomoniasis Day.
There, not so pleasant now, is it? Muahaha.
OH GOD I'M SO LONELY.
Although I suppose I could make an effort and be a good sport about this Valentine's Day thing. Maybe I'll wear my Heinously Ugly Pink Harem Pants tomorrow! Maybe, just maybe, I'll get lucky and by some miracle have a good day tomorrow. And I really hope that all you other lonely mother fuckers have a good day too. Maybe I'll bring you all a super steamy post filled with photos of ridiculously gorgeous men.
Anyone in particular you want to see featured in tomorrow's post?
Usually I prefer to keep the personal anecdotes to a minimum (this is a movie blog, right?) but what happened to me yesterday is too good to keep to myself. The only place for stories with such a high degree of awkwardness is on the internet, where it will live on forever and ever and continue to haunt me for the rest of time. So here's what happened:
I was in my English tutorial, minding my own business, when a pretty cute guy comes in and sits down. The TA then said that we would be doing group work. Naturally, we ended up in the same group. I figured I'd get my flirt on, and instead of actually doing work, I just talked to him to whole time. We really hit it off. It was great! Then he introduced himself. He happens to have the same name as the guy that broke my heart.
Wonderful (<---- SARCASM).
I was willing to let that go, as we were getting along so well. When class was over, he walked me to my destination and I was starting to get really excited. A potential coffee date? Hell yah! I was just about to be super cute and flirty and get his number (he was getting his phone out, it was the perfect opportunity!), when he said "Well I better go, my girlfriend is waiting for me." ... My face looked like this:
Are you f*cking serious?
Then he was all cute and polite and said "It was a pleasure meeting you" to which I should have replied all cute and charming. But all I could think to say was: "Nice."
*Facepalm*
Seriously? A nice, cute guy says "It was a pleasure meeting you" and all I can say in reply is "Nice" ??? Oh good God that's shameful. It's not even that I'm bummed that he has a girlfriend. I'm immensely shamed by my response. Nice. Uhhg. To make matters worse, when I came home I saw that my stupid cat puked all over my bedroom floor.
Readers, I am almost embarrassed to tell you what movie I watch to feel good. But then I remembered something that someone I used to be really close to said. He said that he doesn't have any guilty pleasures. If he likes something, he likes it, and he's not ashamed of that. I suppose that's a really good way to think. Well here it is, folks. My Guilty Pleasure The movie I watch to feel good:
Peewee's Big Adventure.
Excuse me, wtf?
Yeah, that's right. I think Peewee Herman is awesome. No, this is not a joke. The wise words I mentioned above aside, this is a really embarrassing confession.
You know you liiiike it.
Now that this is up on the internet forever and ever, I may aswell be loud and proud about this. I think Peewee Herman is hilarious. My darling Father even sucks it up and watches it with me sometimes.
What a patient father you have.
Now, in all fairness, I have only seen this movie twice. The 1st time was when I had my heart broken for the first time 2 years ago. I ate orange popsicles and my dad and I watched Peewee Herman. I laughed. It was good times.
The second time I watched it I was feeling pretty blue and it must have been around the time of my surgery.
As I type this, my cat is running around and meowing like she's possessed. (I also have hardwood floors so I laugh as she slides around and crashes and burns)
Pretty Much what I have to deal with on a daily basis.
Right, back to Peewee's Big Adventure. It's a really silly movie, there's nothing particularly special about it. I just really like the part where Peewee does a Mr. T impression at the breakfast table.
I pity the fool who don't eat mah cereal!
Here at the Cinema Club, we love Mr. T!
Sharlto Copley also loves Mr. T. Double Win!
For the longest time I had a Peewee Herman ringtone on my phone. Every time I got a text message my phone would light up and scream: "LALALALALALA LAAA!" In a Peewee voice.
...ummm... best ringtone EVER.
Naturally.
I just had a really frightening realization. In the above photo, Peewee looks a helluvalot like NHLer Brad Marchand....
This Kid's got moxie.
...and I happen to think that Brad Marchand is hot like fire. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN???
GEEZUS. I'd better stop here. Take that information as you may. My excuse for today's entry is this:
I fainted at the University and fell down the stairs. This was me, minus the mattress:
Perhaps I bonked my head. Normal people don't post entries on the internet about how much they like Peewee Herman.
Today I was running errands. I was in a store and they played a song that reminded me of the guy that broke my heart. Then in the parking lot I accidentally dropped my phone and the screen completely shattered. I have a Doctor appointment on Monday and another on Tuesday. I have an entire German project due tomorrow and I have no desire to even start working on it. One of my favorite hockey players was traded off in a really stupid trade.
Worst week of my life, readers. And I'm not being dramatic. It was pretty damn awful. I swear those Evil Gnomes were at it again. Here's what they cooked up this time:
Evil Gnome #1: You know, we were way too nice when we decided to send Tim Roth, Jamie Bell and Gary Oldman to Milan together to model Prada.
Evil Gnome #2: That was completely against our original intentions to bring this young lady nothing but misery and despair.
Evil Gnome #3: We should come up with something extra terrible to even things out.
Evil Gnome #2: Excellent idea.
Evil Gnome #1: We should make her watch a movie in Film Class about love and adultery. Rubbing the fact that she's heart broken in her face is possibly the most horrendous thing we could do.
Evil Gnome #3: Brilliant! Also, we should make every seat that she sits in at the University extra squeaky.
Evil Gnome #2: How delightfully diabolical!
Evil Gnome #1: How about a pop quiz in German class about the subject she's least sure about?
Evil Gnome #3: Perfect!
Evil Gnome #1: And another test in Film class!
Evil Gnome #3: Even better!
Evil Gnome #2: Let's make her vomit in the car on Monday.
Evil Gnome #3: This is our best idea yet.
And then they did lots of this:
But I shouldn't complain that much, as I happened to have had the most amazing Tuesday EVAR. My Dad took me to a hockey game, and that brought immense amounts of joy to my heart. My family was watching the game at home, and since I was the only one actually cheering at the game, they heard me screaming on TV. This makes me feel somewhat famous and important. OK, back to business now.
Since I'm festering in this negative mood, I might aswell make a list about my least favorite movies and share it with the world. You're welcome.
My Top 10 Least Favorite Movies
10. True Grit
So, I really dislike Western Movies. And that's really strange, because I love the country and I'm a genuine Cowboy-approved Horse Girl. But man oh man, there's something about Western Flicks that I just can't stand. Don't get me wrong, there are a few exceptions (My Name is Nobody, Young Guns)but on the most part its fair to say that if it's a Western, I don't want to watch it. Though I had high hopes for True Grit. Obviously it will be filled with pretty ponies, and Matt Damon is in it. So... you know, it was worth the risk.
Surprise! It's Matt Damon. Yeuch.
But my hopes were quickly extinguished, as Matt Damon had a mustache, and Jeff Bridges stars in most of the film. I hate Jeff Bridges. I think he's a stinker. I suppose there's really nothing for me to be complaining about. The film was well acted, the story was pretty good, and if I remember correctly it had a decent score. So why so much hate? I really couldn't tell ya. I just didn't like it. Though one thing I did approve of was the gorgeous scenery. But I live in Canada so I see gorgeous scenery all the time. It would be more worthwhile to go on a hike than watch True Grit.
9. In the Mood for Love
I was in Film class on Thursday sitting in my squeaky hard Plastic seat wearing Sweatpants and wondering what kind of movie we'd be watching. Then the prof said "If anybody has some kind of inner loathing for beautiful things, this is your cue to leave." And I thought: Jeeze I'd better get the hell outta dodge!How could I possible sit through a movie called In the Mood for Love when my heart is broken? I'll never be in the mood for love ever again! As a matter of fact, I've decided I'm done with men forever and while I've been looking at Nunneries to join I've been working on my collection of cats. It's just not fair! But since my grade depended on my watching this film, I hunkered down in my seat and miserably ate a Tim Horton's Banana Nut Muffin, prepared for the shit-fest that would soon begin. So, In the Mood for Love is a film by Kar Wai Wong. My Prof and that kid I sit next to were under the impression that this film is immensely beautiful. I just didn't see it. As a matter of fact, I thought it was really f*cking dumb. Not only were none of the characters in the film ever actually "in the mood for love", but the movie was about cheating spouses and a romance that never really happened.
This is what I looked like through the entire film.
And frankly, I don't see any beauty in unrequited love, a dilapidated apartment in Hong Kong, and a way-too-skinny leading lady that eats nothing but white rice and noodles. I suppose it's all a matter of opinion, and it's really quite possible that I'm the only cynical bastard that found this movie the be a pain in the ass. But let's be serious. This movie was junk and nobody actually likes Subtitled films.
8. Planet of the Apes (2001)
So I recently expressed my utter disgust for this film in what was possibly my most profane entry to date [Link]. But I'm willing to talk about it again, in a more civil manner. I disliked this movie so much because I found it deeply unsettling. I hate the idea of apes ruling the planet, and I hate (with every fiber of my being) the fact that my darling Tim Roth pretty much starred in this film as an ill-tempered monkey. Not gonna lie, he lost some sex appeal that night. Speaking of Sex Appeal, that was another aspect of this film that made me react like this:
BLEEEUUWEEEUHHHHH!
They tried to make their apes sexy. And I mean, come on. What the hell. Helen Bonham Carter played the leading she-ape, and they tried to create some kind of demented lust story between her and Mark Wahlberg. To which I shriek: "NO! YOU'RE A F*CKING MONKEY FOR CHRIST SAKE!" I pretty much went batshit insane after the kiss scene and decided that this movie was too much weird for me to handle.
7. Sin City
OK, So I don't hate Frank Miller's Sin City, but I sure as hell don't like it. Again, it was just way too weird for me. I've seen it twice, and though I find it tolerable, I don't go out of my way to watch it. When I was in Cuba with my friend, she found a Spanish version on our Hotel Room TV. I watched for like, half an hour. Then I turned over and fell asleep. I had a big issue with that whole hooker thing, and I dunno... it was just way too strange. The women were way over-sexualized, and that sort of shit is no fun for us chicks to watch. Unless of course you're a lesbian. Then you might enjoy it. And believe me, I am no lesbian, and I really didn't find any joy in watching Jessica Alba act like a whore.
So I suppose this film was quite creative, and I'll admit it was intriguing and "different". If it weren't for the rampantly disgusting whorish females in the film, I may have found it more enjoyable to watch.
6. Journey to the Center of the Earth
Just so fucking bad.
5. The Skeleton Key
You know those movies that draw you in and completely absorb you and have you on the edge of your seat then go and have a completely terrible ending that makes you feel like screaming/demanding the last 2 hours of your life back? Yeah. The Skeleton Key was one of those movies. It was good. Taking place in the deep south and sporting beautiful cinematography. Although, it was very creepy. The Skeleton Key is a thriller, and boy did it live up to its genre. But the ending... I just can't get over how AWFUL the ending was. And those kinds of movies are never fun. Because as humans, we always hope for a happy ending.
4. 30 Days of Night
Ok, so before I begin I have to give the filmmakers some credit. Its a vampire movie and the vampires don't sparkle. They're actually bloodthirsty creeps that come out only at night. Ok, Kudos. Now we tear it apart. I had high hopes for this film, it had a spooky premise playing on the fact that parts of the arctic can get completely dark for up to a month (thus 30 days of night). Is there not a better setting for a vampire movie? An isolated town thats stuck in night for a month? HELLO! That's awesome! But unfortunately this movie fell victim to poor acting and a weak story line. It got 6.6 stars on IMDB but I wouldn't even give it that. If you're watching a movie and you can't even wait for it to end, there's a problem. Honestly I think you might have more fun watching Twilight. And no, that was not a joke. At least with Twilight you can laugh at Edward's glitter and the fact that Kristen Stewart is the human equivalent of a blank piece of paper. This movie was just weak sauce.
Hey Bella, wanna kiss?
3. Dream Catcher
I had really high hopes for this movie. And I actually really enjoyed the first third of the film. It was actually really creepy. Plus, I really liked this one guy's catch phrase "Fuck me Freddy." I love saying "Fuck me Freddy." Because when I think of Freddy I think of Tim Roth's character in Reservoir Dogs and he's really freakin' hot so now every time I swear I get a little bit turned on.
Gorgeous, son
Right. So back to Dreamcatcher. Of course the first guy to kick the bucket is really cute. That set the tone, right there. But I guess what gets this film onto the list of movie hate is the fact that it had so much freakin' potential. It's Stephen King, for starters. And the setting was a forest in the wintertime. It had all the potential to be a freak-fest but it was such a let down! The story got so weird and then there was something about Aliens, and by the time Samuel L Jackson showed up I was shaking my head trying to figure out what the hell was going on with the guy with multiple personality disorder and why the other guy had an obsession with chewing on toothpicks. Furthermore, the aliens at the end were just really pathetic and sort of resembled dinosaurs. If that doesn't convince you, I'm sure this picture will:
Beware ginger with dog on his shoulders.
2. Unfaithful
This movie brought sadness to my heart. I have a big issue with cheating, and this movie is about a cheating wife that destroys her family. It was a very well done film, but it was so incredibly sad. To watch her husband's heart break over the course of the film was heart wrenching. I think that cheating is incredibly low and disgusting and only the very worst people do it. This entire film was about some chick cheating and believe me, it was unsettling to watch. Lots of people like the movie because the sex scenes were pretty hot, but to be honest I found myself cringing the entire time. "BUT HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND!" I found myself screaming at the screen. Well that didn't stop her.
Look how broken he is. You're such a whore.
This movie was really well done in a sense that I became absorbed in it and I felt like I wanted to interact with the characters. But it lands itself in the list of movie hate because of the apparent theme and because of the yucky feeling it left me with. Nobody likes heartbreak, and it sucks to watch it happen almost as much as it sucks to be in it. This movie shouldn't be called "Unfaithful", it should be called "Shit that happens when you act like a whore".
1.Reign of Fire
OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where dragons are scaring the living shit out of everyone and forcing them to live in volcanoes or something stupid like that.Reign of Fire is a movie about what happens when men grow up with an obsession with fairy tales. It is about dragons and people that are pretending to be all cool and bad ass but looking like fucking idiots in the process. I give up. I'll share the summary provided on IMDB: "A brood offire-breathing dragons emerges from the earth and begins setting fire to everything, establishing dominance over the planet." Are you fucking serious? Who pitched that shit and who smoked enough crack to think its a good idea? "Begins setting fire to everything." Oh god, what is the world coming to? That's crap. So much crap. And that's honestly what the movie is about. A bunch of fucking dragons flying around starting shit on fire and Christian Bale trying to be all cool and doing I don't even know what to stop them. Uhg. And this isn't even one of those movies like Trolls 2 where its so bad it's hilarious. Whoever made this was dead fucking serious and everyone acting in it was trying to be all hard-core. Reign of Fire failed harder than this kid trying to sled down the stairs on a mattress:
(I'm going to hell for the intensity with which I laughed at this clip)
Instead of wasting more time talking about Reign of Fire, I'm going to show you terrible movie clips that are better than this horrendous movie. Enjoy. :)
I hope those clips brought you all sorts of joy.
In conclusion, I hope you can agree with me on this list of movie-hate. If you didn't, well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I hope at least that amusing Jonathan Toews gif brought some laughter.
