Happy Birthday to Us

I believe it was around this time, one year ago, that The Cinema Club was born.

That makes us One Year Old.

So we're having a little birthday party. Because really, here at the Cinema Club, we'll take any excuse to party. And so far it's been great. We've invited all Sexy Saturday alumni, and they've brought stacks of gifts. 

Timmy put on a floral apron and baked the cake

 

Russell Crowe brought whipped cream and he and Jamie Bell got into a whipped cream fight. Both of them are completely covered. Meanwhile, Spike Lee is the DJ and Ryan Gosling is sitting in the bathtub. 

Hey, girl. Care to join me?

We've got lots of alcohol here at The Cinema Club office, and it's getting pretty hot in here. Thomas Kretschmann and I wanted to do tequila shots, but Jason Statham tried to talk us out of it, because he was DD for the night and he didn't want anyone to puke in his sporty car. Thomas and I replied with: 

and proceeded to do shots. Next thing we knew Gerard Butler yelled "THIS IS SPARTA!" and accidentally kicked Jamie Bell out the window. We had to go collect him off the sidewalk and he was less than pleased. 

I am most displeased.

 

To make it up to him, we had Gerard Butler give him a cupcake and then everything was ok. Meanwhile, Wayne Knight showed up because he heard there would be food, and Jerry got pretty pissed. 

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

So I had to have a little chit chat with security and find out why on Earth they'd let Wayne Knight into our party. Then Rutger Hauer started playing drinking games with Gosling, and Toby Maguire was trying to see which of the female guests would actually believe he is a doctor. Things were getting a little bit out of hand, but all was interrupted when Timmy accidentally burnt the cake. So Wayne was all: 

JESUS. There won't be any cake!!!

But Tim just says: 

Fuck you I followed the recipe.

So Wayne puts on the floral apron and takes Timmy's place in the kitchen. We all wait at the table like: 

As we're waiting for the cake, Ryan Gosling asks if anybody would like to play spin the bottle and I'm like: 

Then Timmy gets a little too excited and looks at Gary Oldman like: 

Gary Oldman Let's DO IT.

But then Wayne Knight finished the cake and everyone just devours it like this: 

We've hardly finished our cake when Gary Oldman decides he wants to take Timmy up on his offer. So as they're making out on the table all our male guests are like: 

So we move over to the next room and decide to do more shots. Liam Neeson ends up drinking everyone under the table and by 3am we're all pretty exhausted. So Jason Statham, our DD, gets everyone in the car and we leave the Cinema Club office in style. 

 

They see us rollin', they hatin'. 

But before we go home we stop at a Tim Horton's joint and drink hot chocolate in our inebriated state. Rutger Hauer looks especially adorable. 

  

Timmy Tuesday: Guilty Confessions

It's my favorite day of the week again! Timmy Tuesday! And if you say you dislike Timmy Tuesdays, this is all we have to say to you: 

You! Yes, you. You sit on a THRONE OF LIES.

Today's Timmy Tuesday Topic (Holy T's!!!!) is Guilty Confessions. Because recently Timmy confessed to the world on the Twitter that he has a guilty secret... The Movie Bridesmaids. 

  
Yes, it's true!

And here, dear readers, is the proof:

But it doesn't end there. He continues on with his confessions: 

So meanwhile here at the Cinema Club, we're all inspired to talk about our Guilty Secrets aswell!

Usually when the opportunity to spill guilty secrets comes up, we go about the issue a bit like this:

I'll just be leaving now.....

But not today, my dear readers. Today we're going to let our dork flags fly and be loud and proud about the shit we like. I recently did this on Day 3 of the 30 Day Challenge, when I so boldly announced my love for Peewee Herman. 

             .....did you hear that loud stampeding sound?

                         

                                       .......that was the sound of all my future boyfriends running away.

A Small List of the Canadian Puck Bunny's Guilty Confessions: 

• I absolutely love dinosaur fruitsnacks 
• Lilo & Stitch is one of my favorite movies
• I have the Hamster Dance album on my iPod
• If I had the choice between a boyfriend and a puppy I'd pick the puppy 

 Wow. that list pretty much concludes that I am actually 6 years old. 

Though I have my mature guilty confessions aswell...

Right. So obviously I'm not the only one that has guilty secrets. Why, just now, a friend texted me: "Que Coño" which is NOT what he wanted to say, at all... (thanks to his Spanish speaking friend, he is now humiliated). Those of you who speak Spanish are laughing. For those of you who don't... 

Suddenly it all makes sense.

A regular reader of the blog and a good friend of mine offered one of his guilty dorky pleasures to post on the blog: 

The Iron Giant is his favorite movie. Not a lot of people are willing to admit that they have a love for animated films.

My She-Darling also offered up a confession for the sake of the blog. She says that The Princess Bride is her favorite movie ever. And let's admit, perhaps the Princess Bride is a wee bit dorky. 

The moral of the story is this:

We all have silly, dorky things that we think should be secrets. But the truth is we shouldn't be ashamed of these things, they're what make us special and unique. And, of course:

Nobody is too cool to be a dork or be embarrassed.

God Bless Timmy Tuesdays

♥  
And if anyone says otherwise, you must reply with: 

Movies are like chips.

Readers, today I had an epiphany. This epiphany stemmed from my movie experience in Film Class yesterday. What is it I realized? Movie are like chips. 

We all love chips. Potato chips are good. But if you're my friend Scotty you only like corn chips. And if you say you don't like chips, we all know: 

Bitch You LIE!

And we also know that we all love movies. Movies are good. And if you say you don't like movies, we all know: 

 Bitch You LIE! ...AGAIN!

So what is the relation? Other than all this lovin'? (and do keep in mind, this article is written in my humble opinion). Classic Chips, like Classic Movies, are boring. 

MY REASONING: 

Yesterday in class we had to watch Citizen Kane, which is probably one of the most classic movies ever. But it was so boring. Boring as hell. Just like Classic flavored chips. 

While watching Citizen Kane, I was like: 

 

And if the only snacks available while I'm hungry are Classic Chips, I'm like: 

 

If my film prof heard me say that he'd probably slap me upside the head. Because "Citizen Kane is an amazing film and Orson Wells is a genius, and blah blah blah". But all I have to say is NO. Citizen Kane makes a blank piece of paper look interesting. 

One of the most famous lines ever... "Rosebud"

   

That clip is gross. I don't want to see an extreme closeup of someone's mouth unless it's Ryan Gosling's. Furthermore, that Mustache  reminds me of Dr. Phil's and that's disgusting. My final point on Citizen Kane is that the most interesting aspect of this film is the name of Kane's mansion: Xanadu. Not to mention, the room trashing scene moments before Kane's death reminded me entirely of the room trashing scene in the disaster movie The Room. 

So now that we know that Classic Movies = Classic Chips, we can move on to more exciting stuff. New Movies = Flavored chips. 

MY REASONING: 

So not all movies are good. And not all flavored chips are good. But there is always that one weird person that likes that one weird movie. And that one weird person that likes ketchup flavored chips. I may or may not be that weird person. So no matter what movie or chip flavor you're talking about, someone's bound to love it. 

My logic blows your mind.

Furthermore, whether or not you like flavored chips or new movies, chances are they're not boring like Classic flavor. 

Now we've covered Classic Movies and Boring Chips, Newer Movies and Flavored Chips, its time to talk about those fucking weird movies and those weird as hell chip flavors.  Some things are just too weird. And messed up chip flavors = messed up movies. 

MY REASONING: 

Chances are you've seen one movie that's left you thinking "WTF IS THAT FUCKERY?" And if you've been down the This-Makes-You-Fat aisle at your grocery store, you know that there are some messed up chip flavors out there. Need an example? I'll use the crown jewel of fucked up chips. 

Onion Rings and Ketchup Flavor. Yes this is one flavor. No I am not kidding. Here is proof: 

 I know, right? Crazy. I didn't even know people mixed ketchup and onion rings together! THAT EXISTS? What the hell. How the hell did someone pitch that idea? Were a bunch of idiots working for Doritos sitting around snorting cocaine and drinking tequila when one decided he wanted something to eat so he got onion rings and the drunk bastard sitting next to him spilled ketchup on them but he was all "what the hell I'm high and drunk and starving so I'll eat them anyways" then he was like "whoa this is fucking delicious we should sell this shit?" (biggest run on sentence ever, brah). SERIOUSLY. I was so intrigued by this conundrum of a flavor that I actually bought a bag and brought it home. I pounced on my poor unsuspecting father. I said "Daddy Dearest, I have something delicious for you to try" (or something like that). Then I fed him the Ketchup Onion Ring Doritos because I am a terrible daughter. My poor father gagged and actually spat them out. On the floor. Dramatically. Then he wiped his tongue and asked what in God's name I fed him. 

I then ran for my life.

Movies like that exist. Movies so weird that you're left wanting to rip your eyes out like Oedipus Rex or erase your memory. The movie equivalent to spitting chips out on the floor and wiping your tongue. The example that pops into my mind is Man With a Movie Camera. Seriously, that movie is as weird as Onion Ring & Ketchup flavored chips and then some. 

But then again, there are some weird chip flavors out there that are actually kind of delicious. Like Extreme Pickle. That's weird. But it's good. Sure, it leaves blisters on your tongue after you eat it. And sure, you're more or less positive there are more chemicals in that bag of chips than there is in a meth lab. And yeah, you're convinced that after eating a bag all to yourself you'll suffer the same sort of fate as Chernobyl victims and produce mutated children. But its good. And you're strangely attracted to them. And you and I both know there are movies like that too. 

So there you have it, folks. Movie are like Chips.   

Mind = Blown

   

~THE END~

...po-tay-toes...

This blog really should be called ThisIsHowIProcrastinate.blogspot or something like that. Because today I have to do a German paper. And I really don't wanna. I even voluntarily paid my Visa bills instead of doing homework. And I hate paying Visa bills. It feels like my soul is being ripped from me through my bank account. 

Anyone who has seen the Lord of the Rings movies are familiar with Sam's famous line in regards to potatoes. 

"Po-tay-toes... Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!"

Yeah. That. 

Well today in German class we were covering different cases in the German language. in one exercise we had to identify adjectives in a sentence and figure out what case the sentence is in. Anyways. One of the examples we had to work from was a poster for a Restaurant, a  Kartoffelhaus. Now, Kartoffelhaus is, essentially, "potato house". So a restaurant that serves potatoes. Cool. Apparently my prof felt inspired and got into talking about potatoes, because she then asked: 

"Was kann man alles mit kartoffeln machen?" 
Which pretty much means: "what can we do with potatoes?"

Now, my mouth decided to speak without first consulting my brain. This has happened before, when I blurted out PUMPKIN! in my Film class in This post (Clickie the Orange link!). Only this time, instead of screaming PUMPKIN from the utter excitement of my Film Prof talking about Tim Roth in an amphitheater, I decided that German class would be a perfect time to quote the Lord of the Rings. 

So, Was kann man alles mit kartoffeln machen? 

"BOIL 'EM, MASH 'EM, STICK 'EM IN A STEW!"

And that's how it's done, Canadian Puck Bunny style.

Swag Sauce.

      

So if you're even in a situation where a professor (or anyone, really) asks you what to do with potatoes, you know now know what to say: 

Yours truly,

-Captain

I have to write an English paper.

Dear Blogger, thank you for existing so I have something to do other than continually checking NHL trade center when I have a big paper due tomorrow. 

I keep "trying" to write my essay. But I end up doing this:

 

So then I waste time on the NHL's website. Then I make burn myself some lunch. Then I find myself here doing dumb crap like this: 

I am still desperate for a pet koala. Can I have one? Pretty please?  Pleeease? 

 

As excellent as this procrastination post has been, nothing can beat what I did last semester. Instead of writing my history paper I took a plane to Ontario. 

I SHOULD HAVE PIZZA FOR LUNCH!!!

~Queen of Procrastination

I brush my teeth with crazy paste/ Sexy Saturday: Paul Henreid

Dearest Readers, so once again it is your favorite day of the week: Sexy Saturday. Before we get into all that awesomeness, I would like to take a moment to talk about a freakin' weird dream I had last night. 

As regular readers of this blog know, I am absolutely crazy about hockey. Thursday night my best friend (who my drunken alter-ego, Freddy, renamed to Larry (despite the fact that she is a woman)) and my new friend (otherwise known as Cute Boy, who I told you about in the Most Awkward Post Ever) decided to host a sort of drunken intervention. I was told that I watch too much hockey, that I need to tone it down a little. Of course I wouldn't have any of it, and didn't listen. Although now I think that perhaps they might be a little bit correct. Thursday night I ended up getting into a drunken argument on the train with a random stranger about goalies (my goalie is obviously far superior). And last night I had a dream about that new movie Goon. 

For those of you who don't know and/or were too lazy to watch the trailer I posted above, Goon is a movie about a, well, goon, that is hired as an enforcer for a semi-pro hockey team. Starring Seann William Scott, Goon looks like it will actually be really entertaining. 

Plus, hockey players are adorable and this line pretty much made my life:

"I like you name. I think it's pretty. Like your face. You have a pretty name and a pretty face." 

Best ever. Right, so my dream. Last night I dreamed that Seann William Scott's character, Doug Glatt, came up to say hello. We went to a hockey rink and for some reason I was immensely confused by the jerseys worn by his team and the team he was playing against. I was all: 

"Dude, I know every team in the NHL and I can't for the life of me recognize your jerseys! Are you sure you're in the NHL?"

And he was all: 

"Yeah, of course! We play for Washington!" 

Then I was like: 

"Oh, ok, that makes perfect sense, the Washington Capitals don't exist anymore." 

And that was it. 

I am ashamed of my dream self for not considering minor/fictional hockey leagues. Meanwhile, all Washington Capital fans shake their heads in dismay at me and remind that their team does, in fact, still exist. Now, enough of that and onwards to:

Sexy Saturday

Today's Sexy Saturday is entirely unrelated to any of the shenanigans I posted above. This week's man is actually someone you never would have guessed would be crowned as a Sexy Saturday. He was in movies since before you were born. Since before your parents were born. Today I am proud to introduce: 

Paul Henreid!

   

He is classy. I am classy. And if you approve, you are also classy.

Though Paul Henreid has been in a whole whack of movies from the 40's to the 70's, perhaps his most memorable role was in Casablanca, as his character Victor Laszlo. 

Handsome fellow on the right

If you have not seen Casablanca, you should follow the steps provided below: 

Protocol For Not Having Seen Casablanca: 

Step 1: Slap self across face

Step 2: Watch Casablanca 

Right. So for those of you who have not seen Casablanca (shame!) or any of the movies/TV shows he did through the 50's and 60's (don't worry, neither have I) have no fear, you're likely not missing out. As Paul Henreid was in Exorcist II: The Heretic. He played the Cardinal. I haven't seen that movie nor can I find a screen shot. All I have to say is how unfortunate, to go from Casablanca to practically an extra in the sequel to the Exorcist. 

So Paul Henreid was born in Austria on January 10th, 1908. This amazing fellow died on March 29th, 1992 in California. Though he is obviously a successful actor (Check out his Filmography!) he will always be adored for his lovely character in Casablanca. 

 This is the most handsome and classy dude ever featured here on The Cinema Club. Here is a little video thingy for you to enjoy (starring of course Paul Henreid's handsome face).  

Men were better in the 1940's. 

Man with a movie camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 Days to live

Is this possibly the longest post title in the history of my blog? I think it may be so. It may also be the longest anecdotal post on the blog.

Man with a Movie Camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 days to live.

Allow me to explain.

So I've mentioned before that every Thursday I attend a Film class at my University. Sounds like fun, but really its not. I was actually having a horrendous day on Thursday. To make an extremely long and agonizing story short, I shall organize my day in point form. 

Bad Things That Happened on Thursday:

• Got Blood all over my jeans. 
• At University until 9pm.
• Had to buy new pants at the campus bookstore. 
• Only sizes available were L, XL, XXL. I happen to be none of those sizes. 
• Blew 50 bucks on a pair of University Sweatpants that are about 3 sizes too big.
• Girls sneered at my Sweatpants and high heel boots combo (I looked like a bad joke).
• Film Lecture is 4 hours long
• All my friends were out drinking and having fun. 
• My Hockey team lost. Again. 

Good Things That Happened on Thursday:

• Those sweatpants are actually really warm and comfortable.
• Had a Tim Horton's Bagel for Lunch (mmm French Toast + maple syrup flavor).
• I didn't fall down the stairs or trip and fall on my face.
• Saw a clip from Pulp Fiction in Film Class.
• That Cute Guy I embarrassed myself in front of on Tuesday gave me his number. Booyah! 
• That previous point made everything else ok. :)   

So now I'm going to talk about what happened in Film Class. Instead of watching super cool new movies (or super cool old movies, for that matter), we have to watch really weird movies. What did we watch this week? Man With a Movie Camera. Never heard of it? I'm not surprised. It's a Soviet silent film from 1929. Sounds like fun, eh??? 

  

This movie is actually creepy as f*ck. And saying that is weird, because this movie has no story. None. Zip. You want to know what this movie is? It's a collection of a whole bunch of random as hell clips. 

This is a clip from the movie.

Now, I can't say that I hate this film, because I don't. I don't particularly like it, but I suppose I respect it. There is something about this film that draws you in and intrigues you. I'll be honest, through the first third or so of the film I was waiting for something really freaky to happen. And I suppose it did happen, really. Towards the end of the film I saw a man laying on a bed, he seemed to be in pain. The first thing that came to my mind was: Oh hey, that guy looks a lot like Alexander Ovechkin! I wonder if they're somehow related. Wait, is that even possible? Sure, it is. Even if he died, maybe he has a brother or something that turned out to be Ovi's great grandfather or something. Anyways, this guy sure looks a lot like Ovechkin! (<----My Actual train of thought. For reals). For those of you who don't know who Mr. Big Deal is, allow me to show you: 

Ovi with fake teeth on left. Ovi's face for reals on right.

   

That's some real scary $h*t right there.

Now that we have that cleared up, allow me to tell you what happened next.

The camera then panned down to Ovi's Great Grandfather's sick Brother's legs... and then... it happened. This wasn't Ovi's Great Grandfather's sick Brother at all... it was more like, Ovechkin's Mother's Sister's Great Grandmother... 

OH MY GOD HE HAS A VAGINA!

  

And then a baby came out.

Bleeehhhhuhhhh

That sort of thing is scary enough as is. If you happen to be in possession of a Vajayjay, you know that the thought of a 7 pound infant screaming and ripping its way through there is slightly terrifying. 

After the baby came out we were all just staring at this gaping cave that is Ovechkin's Grandfather's Vagina.

It's how I always imagined that 19 Kids and Counting lady's vag to look like. A giant cave that spelunking tourists pay money to have a guided tour in. 

Pretty Much.

I'm getting off topic. 

So that was the scary part of the film. The rest was just minutely creepy and some of it was nice to watch. All in all it was just very strange and none of us Film Students really understood the point. You are not allowed to say "I want that two hours of my life back" after watching a movie until you've seen Man With a Movie Camera. 

The rest of Film Class was alright. We watched a clip from Pulp Fiction and I got exceptionally excited because it was a scene with Tim Roth in it. Here at the Cinema Club, we loooove Tim Roth. The prof then asked what Timmy's character's name was. Now, if you know Pulp Fiction, you know that he has 2 names. Ringo and Pumpkin. I happen to think that Tim Roth sporting the name Pumpkin is freakin' adorable. So I couldn't help myself... I blurted it out loud, in an amphitheater with over a hundred people. 

Prof: Does anyone know this character's name? 

Me: PUMPKIN!

Prof laughed, acknowledged that I'm obviously a Pulp Fiction connoisseur, then mentioned that yes, although he is known as Pumpkin, his name is actually Ringo. I turned bright red and spent the rest of the class drawing a unicorn in my notebook. 

♥

   

So now let's fast forward, since we covered the Man With a Movie Camera segment of this post. Man With a Movie Camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 Days to live 

So Paranormal Activity. When I got home from school (at like 9 freakin' 30 at night) I scarfed down some Pizza and watched my Hockey Team lose in OT. I then began working on the homework that would be due early the next morning (because it totally makes sense to end a class at 9pm and assign homework due at 9am the next day). By the time I crawled into bed I was so exhausted that I didn't bother washing my face or changing my shirt. I just died. Now, for those of you who have seen Paranormal Activity, you're likely familiar with that really loud scary as fuck sound that happens in the middle of the night. I can't seem to find the clip where that happens, but I'll share the door slamming clip, for scary effect. 

Right. So I was woken up at 4 something in the morning by a very loud and jarring BANG sound. I jolted awake and looked just like this: 

 

 

OMGWTFPARANORMALACTIVITY

Because really, the sound was just like the one from that movie. And when you're exhausted and it's 4 in the morning, that's scary shit right there. 

And I do believe I was possessed that night. Possessed by what, you may ask? Possessed by none other than the Demon of Bad Test Writing Skills. Yeah, allow me to explain: 

I had a test in my Film tutorial early this morning. I did really well on the last one, and figured I'd do about the same on this one. I did the multiple choice and True or False without much difficulty, but when it came to the Long Answers I suddenly couldn't think. 

This was more or less my face.

  

I was drawing complete blanks, and then the TA was telling us to start wrapping it up. Err... well this is bad. Then survival mode kind of took over and I started Bullshitting my answers like no one has ever done before. I honestly felt like a Miss USA pageant girl, using words like "such as" and "therefore" to make myself sound a little bit intelligent. 

Yeah, it was real bad. And I got so embarrassed by my dumb blonde pathetic answers, that I felt compelled to write an excuse... Oh goodness readers, it's bad. I wrote at the bottom of my page: 

"These questions make me want to rip my hair out of my own head. Or gauge my eyes out with a plastic spoon. etc."

I wish I was kidding. 

Yes, I am in University. 

No, I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time. 

Unfortunately, I don't think my TA has a sense of humor (his name rhymes with a small rodent found around the country side that is often a victim of roadkill). I shall weep if I am suspended for Academic Misconduct or whatnot. 

 Man with a Movie Camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 days to live. 

So after my test writing shenanigans in Film Class, I met up with a good friend of mine. Naturally, she asked what movie I had seen in class the night before. I groaned and told her I saw a silent film from 1929. She asked if it had title cards that described what people were saying. Um, no. I had to explain to her that the movie we watched last night had no storyline whatsoever. She didn't get it. So I explained again: 

Man with a Movie Camera is a collage of clips of everything from ponies working in mines, trains, people riding on a carousel, to a baby being born. 

She just stared at me for a moment then said "That sounds like the video from The Ring. You'll probably get a phone call and have only 7 days left to live." 

Now, I have never seen The Ring, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's right. Maybe I do only have 7 days left to live. Damn, I'd better get working on that 30 Day Challenge. Oh well, at least I get to miss Valentine's Day! ... wait a second... I'd be alive long enough for Valentine's Day. 

 

DAMNIT.

I think it would be prudent to watch the video from The Ring, and compare it to Man with a Movie Camera. Then we can safely determine if I have more than a week to live. 

Clip from Man with a Movie Camera:

The Video from The Ring: 

Holy shit I'm going to die. 

 Well Folks, I'm going to find a fun way to spend my last Friday Night. I'm thinking Mike's Hard Lemonade and I'll invite Rothy over for a sexy party. 

Sexy Party with Pumpkin!!! ♥

-Captain