Friday, February 10, 2012

Man with a movie camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 Days to live

Is this possibly the longest post title in the history of my blog? I think it may be so. It may also be the longest anecdotal post on the blog.

Man with a Movie Camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 days to live.

Allow me to explain.

So I've mentioned before that every Thursday I attend a Film class at my University. Sounds like fun, but really its not. I was actually having a horrendous day on Thursday. To make an extremely long and agonizing story short, I shall organize my day in point form. 
Bad Things That Happened on Thursday:
  • Got Blood all over my jeans. 
  • At University until 9pm.
  • Had to buy new pants at the campus bookstore. 
  • Only sizes available were L, XL, XXL. I happen to be none of those sizes. 
  • Blew 50 bucks on a pair of University Sweatpants that are about 3 sizes too big.
  • Girls sneered at my Sweatpants and high heel boots combo (I looked like a bad joke).
  • Film Lecture is 4 hours long
  • All my friends were out drinking and having fun. 
  • My Hockey team lost. Again. 
Good Things That Happened on Thursday:
  • Those sweatpants are actually really warm and comfortable.
  • Had a Tim Horton's Bagel for Lunch (mmm French Toast + maple syrup flavor).
  • I didn't fall down the stairs or trip and fall on my face.
  • Saw a clip from Pulp Fiction in Film Class.
  • That Cute Guy I embarrassed myself in front of on Tuesday gave me his number. Booyah! 
  • That previous point made everything else ok. :)   

So now I'm going to talk about what happened in Film Class. Instead of watching super cool new movies (or super cool old movies, for that matter), we have to watch really weird movies. What did we watch this week? Man With a Movie Camera. Never heard of it? I'm not surprised. It's a Soviet silent film from 1929. Sounds like fun, eh??? 

This movie is actually creepy as f*ck. And saying that is weird, because this movie has no story. None. Zip. You want to know what this movie is? It's a collection of a whole bunch of random as hell clips. 

This is a clip from the movie.

Now, I can't say that I hate this film, because I don't. I don't particularly like it, but I suppose I respect it. There is something about this film that draws you in and intrigues you. I'll be honest, through the first third or so of the film I was waiting for something really freaky to happen. And I suppose it did happen, really. Towards the end of the film I saw a man laying on a bed, he seemed to be in pain. The first thing that came to my mind was: Oh hey, that guy looks a lot like Alexander Ovechkin! I wonder if they're somehow related. Wait, is that even possible? Sure, it is. Even if he died, maybe he has a brother or something that turned out to be Ovi's great grandfather or something. Anyways, this guy sure looks a lot like Ovechkin! (<----My Actual train of thought. For reals). For those of you who don't know who Mr. Big Deal is, allow me to show you: 

Ovi with fake teeth on left. Ovi's face for reals on right.
That's some real scary $h*t right there.
Now that we have that cleared up, allow me to tell you what happened next.
The camera then panned down to Ovi's Great Grandfather's sick Brother's legs... and then... it happened. This wasn't Ovi's Great Grandfather's sick Brother at all... it was more like, Ovechkin's Mother's Sister's Great Grandmother... 
And then a baby came out.

That sort of thing is scary enough as is. If you happen to be in possession of a Vajayjay, you know that the thought of a 7 pound infant screaming and ripping its way through there is slightly terrifying. 
After the baby came out we were all just staring at this gaping cave that is Ovechkin's Grandfather's Vagina.
It's how I always imagined that 19 Kids and Counting lady's vag to look like. A giant cave that spelunking tourists pay money to have a guided tour in. 

Pretty Much.

I'm getting off topic. 

So that was the scary part of the film. The rest was just minutely creepy and some of it was nice to watch. All in all it was just very strange and none of us Film Students really understood the point. You are not allowed to say "I want that two hours of my life back" after watching a movie until you've seen Man With a Movie Camera
The rest of Film Class was alright. We watched a clip from Pulp Fiction and I got exceptionally excited because it was a scene with Tim Roth in it. Here at the Cinema Club, we loooove Tim Roth. The prof then asked what Timmy's character's name was. Now, if you know Pulp Fiction, you know that he has 2 names. Ringo and Pumpkin. I happen to think that Tim Roth sporting the name Pumpkin is freakin' adorable. So I couldn't help myself... I blurted it out loud, in an amphitheater with over a hundred people. 

Prof: Does anyone know this character's name? 

Prof laughed, acknowledged that I'm obviously a Pulp Fiction connoisseur, then mentioned that yes, although he is known as Pumpkin, his name is actually Ringo. I turned bright red and spent the rest of the class drawing a unicorn in my notebook
So now let's fast forward, since we covered the Man With a Movie Camera segment of this post. Man With a Movie Camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 Days to live 

So Paranormal Activity. When I got home from school (at like 9 freakin' 30 at night) I scarfed down some Pizza and watched my Hockey Team lose in OT. I then began working on the homework that would be due early the next morning (because it totally makes sense to end a class at 9pm and assign homework due at 9am the next day). By the time I crawled into bed I was so exhausted that I didn't bother washing my face or changing my shirt. I just died. Now, for those of you who have seen Paranormal Activity, you're likely familiar with that really loud scary as fuck sound that happens in the middle of the night. I can't seem to find the clip where that happens, but I'll share the door slamming clip, for scary effect. 

Right. So I was woken up at 4 something in the morning by a very loud and jarring BANG sound. I jolted awake and looked just like this: 


Because really, the sound was just like the one from that movie. And when you're exhausted and it's 4 in the morning, that's scary shit right there. 
And I do believe I was possessed that night. Possessed by what, you may ask? Possessed by none other than the Demon of Bad Test Writing Skills. Yeah, allow me to explain: 

I had a test in my Film tutorial early this morning. I did really well on the last one, and figured I'd do about the same on this one. I did the multiple choice and True or False without much difficulty, but when it came to the Long Answers I suddenly couldn't think. 

This was more or less my face.
I was drawing complete blanks, and then the TA was telling us to start wrapping it up. Err... well this is bad. Then survival mode kind of took over and I started Bullshitting my answers like no one has ever done before. I honestly felt like a Miss USA pageant girl, using words like "such as" and "therefore" to make myself sound a little bit intelligent. 

Yeah, it was real bad. And I got so embarrassed by my dumb blonde pathetic answers, that I felt compelled to write an excuse... Oh goodness readers, it's bad. I wrote at the bottom of my page: 

"These questions make me want to rip my hair out of my own head. Or gauge my eyes out with a plastic spoon. etc."

I wish I was kidding. 
Yes, I am in University. 
No, I'm not sure what I was thinking at the time. 

Unfortunately, I don't think my TA has a sense of humor (his name rhymes with a small rodent found around the country side that is often a victim of roadkill). I shall weep if I am suspended for Academic Misconduct or whatnot. 

 Man with a Movie Camera/ Paranormal Activity/ You now have 7 days to live. 

So after my test writing shenanigans in Film Class, I met up with a good friend of mine. Naturally, she asked what movie I had seen in class the night before. I groaned and told her I saw a silent film from 1929. She asked if it had title cards that described what people were saying. Um, no. I had to explain to her that the movie we watched last night had no storyline whatsoever. She didn't get it. So I explained again: 

Man with a Movie Camera is a collage of clips of everything from ponies working in mines, trains, people riding on a carousel, to a baby being born. 

She just stared at me for a moment then said "That sounds like the video from The Ring. You'll probably get a phone call and have only 7 days left to live." 

Now, I have never seen The Ring, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's right. Maybe I do only have 7 days left to live. Damn, I'd better get working on that 30 Day Challenge. Oh well, at least I get to miss Valentine's Day! ... wait a second... I'd be alive long enough for Valentine's Day. 


I think it would be prudent to watch the video from The Ring, and compare it to Man with a Movie Camera. Then we can safely determine if I have more than a week to live. 

Clip from Man with a Movie Camera:

The Video from The Ring

Holy shit I'm going to die. 

 Well Folks, I'm going to find a fun way to spend my last Friday Night. I'm thinking Mike's Hard Lemonade and I'll invite Rothy over for a sexy party. 
Sexy Party with Pumpkin!!!

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