This Blog needs more Jamie Bell

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Timmy Tuesday: The First!

Here at the Cinema Club, it's pretty clear that we love Tim Roth. Since he's active on the Twitter, I figured it would be good to pay a weekly tribute to the British Sexy Saturday Alumnus. 

  

I love this snarky mofugga.

So on the very first weekly Timmy Tuesday I would like to apologize for lying to you all in the last Newsies post, where I excitedly stated that Rothy has been nominated for an Academy Award. Err... not so much. Sorry to disappoint you folks, but he just voted. LE SIGH. I think the last time he was nominated was for his role as Archibald Cunningham in Rob Roy back in the 90's.

A powdered wig movie.

  

Then again I could be wrong. Because apparently I invent my own reality to suit my fancy. Isn't that what crazy people do? Well it is Tequila Week Reading Break, so I think that's a good enough excuse to be a little bit loony tunes. 

Speaking of Loony Tunes, check out how Tim Roth catches the elevator:

 

Like a Boss.

PS nice face.

 

-Captain   

The Thing

Yes, I know. I just wrote you guys a farewell message, letting you all know that I'll be crazy busy partying my buns off this week. And believe you me, I did indeed party like a Rockstarr last night. I'm spending today recuperating. Believe me, folks. Drinking Tequila Straight from a glass is fun but also leads to shenanigans which leads to being very tired. I got home at 4am and shared a bed with my cat. Instead of going out again this evening I stayed in and watched a movie. And this is a pretty good movie. The film I saw today is called The Thing. And I'm not talking about the one done in the 1950's or John Carpenter's creation that earned a 10/10 on the WTF-Scale. I'm talking about the remake of the remake. 

The Thing (2011) is directed by some dude whose name I can't pronounce.
Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. As far as I'm concerned and for the rest of this entry, the director's name is pronounced like this:

 Now that we have the director's name all cleared up, let us begin.

So The Thing takes place in Antarctica, which is pretty much the best setting for a horror movie. Why is this? Not only is it entirely isolated and help is nowhere to be found, it's really fucking cold. 

Brr.

As my Father would say, Antarctica is located on "the bum of the planet" therefore it receives very little sunlight. And you and I both know that horror movies are scariest when they're in the dark! So a team of scientists, etc, are called forth when an interesting discovery is made... a Space ship, that is. And a specimen. 

[Insert spooky oooooo sound here] 

So in case you were unaware,The Thing is in fact an alien movie. And I think it's a fantastic alien movie. Not only is it quite similar to the classic Alien, but it also has a demonic possession feeling to it.  

 This movie does an excellent job at drawing you in, right from the start. The idea in this movie is that the Alien has the ability to take the form of the last being it kills. So naturally, the monster could be anyone at the base... 

Well this is awkward.

My brother and I turned into hardcore detectives during this film. We were practically documenting everybody's whereabouts on a freakin' clipboard for the duration of the film. We'd pause and take attendance, just like Middle School. We were Sherlock and Watson. The baddest brother/sister alien detection squad there ever was. 

So I suppose its fair to say that this movie is extremely gripping. Either that or my brother and I got way too intense and enjoyed the movie too much. Now, I'd like to mention something. Whenever I pick a favorite character in a movie, they're always doomed. Doomed to die a terrible death. Example: 

Favorite:

Thomas Kretschmann as Major Cain in Resident Evil: Apocalypse

Result:

Nibbled by Zombies.

 Favorite:

♥Tim Roth as Mr. Orange in Reservoir Dogs♥

 Result:

Bleeding to death

Favorite:

John Hurt as Kane in Alien

Result:

Alien bursts through chest.

etc. 

Despite my unfortunate talent for getting the guys I declare my favorite in movies killed , I continually insist on picking favesies. And I picked a favorite in The Thing.

*Facepalm*

I couldn't resist! He was really hot in a Tim Roth sort of way so I had to declare that he was my favorite.

This is he.

Mmmmmm! Me likey! Me likey! He's British. I love his character's snarky attitude. And since I never really picked up on his name through the film, I named him myself. I called him: 

My Babe. 

Though he was mostly called My Babe, he was also referred to as "The Brit" in my bro and I's attendance calls. 

Shush your mouth, we're taking attendance!

 Seriously, though. Don't you agree? Isn't he fantastic? He's hot and he's got a bad attitude. He's the kind of guy that would be allowed to bring handcuffs into my bedroom, if you know what I mean. 

• You can adore his face at 1:34. He's the one on the far right:

And here he is gnawing on gum and being a friendly mofugga at the premier: 

  

I've gotten off track.

Where was I going with this? Ah, yes. Favorites. Doomed. 

 

I'm sorry I killed you! Waa. *Icecream*

In all seriousness, My Babe aside, this is a really great film. It's even more fun when you get into it like my brother and I did. My Bro pretty much had his shit together. He had it all figured out, he knew what the deal was, he kept tabs on the characters, he was on the ball. Me, not so much. I spent most of the movie realizing I probably wouldn't make it that long. While my brother was the Bear Grylls of Antarctica and Aliens, I was like: 

I WOULD HAVE DIED.

Not to mention I would likely spend the entire time bitching about the weather. 

I'm cold! Its snowing! I wanna go home! Give me hot chocolate! I can't find my warm socks! Pay attention to me! I'm cold! I can see my breath! Someone lend me their jacket! Don't actually give me your jacket, you'll freeze! I'm cold! BRR! It's really fucking Brr outside! I want hot chocolate! I want to be in Mexico! Why isn't it nice outside? Someone light a fire!

Etc. 

I'd pretty much be the first to go. So I'll just enjoy my position as the observer and cheer for My Babe as he fights aliens in the frigid cold. 

Ok, I keep trying to get serious but the tequila that's still lingering in my system is prohibiting that.

Let's put it this way, the first bit of the movie is actually really grody. Its scary as hell and you can't help but cringe and consider turning off the TV/ encouraging the characters to get on the helicopter while they still have a chance. The scene where we see the shower is actually horrifying (and that's coming from someone who is not squeamish at the sight of blood in the slightest bit). 

You do have to pay attention though, as the characters can be a bit tricky to keep tabs on: Who is Lars, again? Is he the guy with the beard? <--- My point.

Although I have never seen John Carpenter's The Thing (I know, a movie sin) I get the feeling that it might be scarier than this new one. Though of course I cannot actually say this, as I have not seen it. This new movie is supposedly the Prequel to Carpenter's. I am rather excited to see the 80's version. I was once told to watch The Thing while its snowing outside, as it "heightens the tension". Believe it or not it's not actually snowing up here in the Great White North, so I'll just have to make do without. 

The Final Word: I recommend it. This movie was fun and there were a number of scenes that surprised me so bad I either jumped out of my skin or screamed a little (or both). BUT if you're excited that this movie takes place in Antarctica because thats where the Penguins live, I'll tell you that you shouldn't get your hopes up, as the penguins had enough sense to get the hell outta dodge. 

Run awaaaay!

-Captain

Tintin

My family spends Christmas in the mountains, in an awesome little city where skiing reigns supreme. The night before Christmas Eve, my father, my brother, my aunt and I walked up main street to the town's only cinema, to go see Tintin. Now I'd like to introduce to you, my dear audience, a little part of my family. My Father's half of the family is French Canadian. My Dad grew up in Montreal, Quebec, where he learned to speak both English and French. As a child, my father was super into comic books. His reading of choice? 

Tintin. 

My father could recite the original Hergé comics by heart, and he's kept them all his life. We have a bookshelf full of French Tintin comics (all in French) in the basement. And let me tell you, they're awesome!   

So let's take a little trip in the Way-Back machine, to April 3 2011 when I did the Jamie Bell Sexy Saturday. In this post I expressed my absolute delight on the subject of Jamie Bell being Tintin. Sure, Jamie Bell is British and Tintin is from Belgium, but hey... it's pretty cool. 

Wheeeee!

 Now.... my inner Frenchie is screaming and clawing and begging to be let out... I shall allow it just this once: 

POUTINE!

JUSTE POUR RIRE!

TABERNAC!

Tintin is not Pronounced the way they say it in the film. That's just so.... English.... This is how his name is properly pronounced:

I haven't felt this French since I did that thing in that room with that guy half a year ago...

bad joke alert.

And this is why I must keep my inner Frenchie under wraps.

 

Moving on!

I would really like to mention that the animation in Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn was absolutely gorgeous. A couple of times I forgot that I was watching an animated movie. 

Well done, animation people. Well done.

The animation was stellar, and the the movie was an absolute joy to watch. It was a super fantastic adventure story, and I loved every bit of it. Though the movie did seem to drag out just a little bit at the end. But I could have been feeling this way because my Beloveds (AKA my favorite Hockey Team) was playing a game that night, and every time I tried to check the score on my cellular device, my aunt would elbow me and hiss "Stop it! That's annoying!"  

Aside from the fact that the story in the movie was changed from the original in the comic a bit, the movie was so true to the characters! The likeness was superb and I was thoroughly impressed.  

HEY, speaking of my Hockey Team, they'll be playing a game shortly and I must watch. With that, I put this post to a close. All I have to say is this: 

Tintin is awesome, and if you love adventure stories, you must watch. 

Oh right, PS: Simon Pegg and Nic Frost 

Yes, these guys.

 

Were in the movie aswell. Along with Daniel Craig and Andy Serkis. So I guess you can say Billy Elliot, two Overly enthusiastic British cops, James Bond, and Gollum all joined up and brought you an amazing movie.

Now, I really must go. My Beloveds need me (at this point in their basement dwelling I may or may not be their last remaining fan).

El Capitain OUT! 

I see this and I think blowjob.

10 Movie Scenes that make me laugh like an idiot

Readers, I have been in the strangest mood these past few days! 

Yes, really. 

I'm honestly feeling probably every single emotion known to man all at once! It feels a bit like this: 

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON INSIDE MY BRAIN???

I won't go into details... (one must remain mysterious on the internet), but allow me to perform a simple mathematical equation, to help you understand. (Because here at the Cinema Club, we're all gifted mathematicians!) 

*ahem*

1adventure x 3(24) + cute boy x airplanes = happiness/stress = confused + hockey + Cheeky Finn = happy + Tim Hortons x chocolate + fluffy kitty = glee - lack of texting(2) = depressed. √depression = 5. 5(-1[cold weather]) + belly ache = misery - 1200mg Advil + T3 + ponies = 

A VERY ODD MOOD.  ✓

My math is immaculate.

Now, my best friend Parachutefan would recommend drinking tea. According to her, tea fixes everything. Yeah, she sounds like a Tetley Commercial. I personally think that the best way to overcome any sort of bad mood is by laughing. So here I have compiled a list of 10 movie scenes that make me laugh. Like a crazy person. 

Hilarity ensues.

The following clips are in no particular order.

 Enjoy.  

10. Daddy would you like some sausages?

From Freddy Got Fingered

 Now, I've never actually seen Tom Green's Freddy Got Fingered, but back in High School a guy in my class was playing this scene on his computer. And was giggling. Uncontrollably. I asked to see what he was looking at, and... well... I started laughing too. This clip always cracks me up. Like, hardcore cracks me up. I don't know what it is about a bunch of sausages hanging from strings and a very poorly played keyboard that's so funny, but it just works. PS: I think this scene is almost funnier if you've never seen the movie. Because we have no idea what the hell is going on. And it's hilarious.  

 

9. Dug's Squirrel Joke

From UP

"HA! It is funny because the squirrel is dead!"

Priceless.

8. I'm in a glass case of emotion!

From Anchorman

I love the movie Anchorman. It had me laughing from start to finish. This particular scene, where Ron Burgundy is bawling in a telephone booth after his dog, Baxter, was punted off a bridge by none other than Jack Black- is particularly hysterical. "I hit him with a burrito!" and "I'M TRAPPED IN A GLASS CASE OF EMOTION!" It doesn't get any better than that. 

(The extended clip is available here: [Link])

7. She took a nosedive from the Ugly Tree

From Saving Private Ryan

Alright, so we all know that Sexy Saturday alumnus Matt Damon is adorable. And he is also very funny. And his laugh? Oh his laugh is contagious! He laughs and smiles, and you can't help but laugh and smile with him. This particular scene from Spielberg's masterpiece Saving Private Ryan is very well written and well acted. It is more or less impossible to watch this scene without at least cracking a smile.

6. I just couldn't get the ball in the hole!

From Happy Gilmore

Happy Gilmore is one of my favorite movies, and easily my favorite Adam Sandler flick. I think this scene is exceptionally comical. I don't beat people up often at all... but when the next opportunity rolls around, I'm doing it like this. 

5. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of Elderberries!
From Monty Python and the Holy Grail

So Monty Python is hilarious, and this entire film had us all in stitches. But I believe it is the insulting Frenchmen that really take the cake. FECHER LA VACHE! 

4. The Printer Smash Scene

From Office Space

Does this look familiar to anyone? Hmm? Even if you haven't seen Office Space, you've probably seen this before. In that episode of Family Guy when Brian and Stewie destroy Peter's Surfin' Bird Record. I find the whole drama of this scene to be particularly funny and very well done. And I'm almost positive all of us have wanted to do that to a printer before. Because as we know, Printers are Brats.

3. Tom Cruise's dance

From Tropic Thunder

If you've seen Tropic Thunder, you know that every line out of Tom Cruise's mouth was insanely profane, atrocious and outright hilarious. But it was the final scene of the movie, when Tom Cruise gets gets his groove on, that had me in stitches. It was because of this movie (and this scene in particular) that I now respect Tom Cruise. Best. Performance. Ever. 

2. HEY! There are skittles in there!

From The Hangover

My inner dude comes out when I say that I thought The Hangover was heeelariouuuss. During my High School Graduation Ceremony, the calculus teacher actually [slightly] modified Alan's One Man Wolf Pack Speech and presented it in front of our grad class and our families. He somehow related it to graduating but I can't remember how. Anyways, it was hysterical. I always knew he was a cool teacher but that just affirmed this fact for the rest of time. Anyways, this scene, where Alan's man-purse (or "satchel") is thrown to the ground and stomped on and Alan screams "HEY! There are skittles in there!" I can't help but laugh. The urgency with which he defended those skittles is just ridiculous. Whoever wrote that joke is amazing. Just like the Calc teacher.

1. Three Point Turn

From Austin Powers

You know the expression LMAO? Right, well I practically did that while watching this scene. I almost puked I was laughing so hard. And when he gets the car completely jammed? I very nearly ROFLed. This scene goes down as comedy gold in my books.

And thus concludes The Cinema Club's article on hilarious movie scenes. I hope this brought you as much joy as it did to me, and you just don't think I have a demented sense of humor. :) 

I wish he was my uncle.

El Capitain OUT!

A la douce memoire de Maxime St-Cyr, Comedien

I'm supposed to be writing a history paper right now/ WTF am I doing???

Readers, I have a problem.

Though not quite as bad as this kid's.

Let me tell you what my problem is. Every time I have studying to do, or papers to write, I turn into a fierce procrastinator- the best you've ever seen! We've previously encountered this problem here, when my life more or less depended on the math test I was studying for. Well folks, I'm in the same situation again. My life does in fact depend on this super important paper I must write for my WWII history class. 13 pages will decide my fate. So, naturally, I am unable to write anything down. 

Suddenly I can't remember anything!

 

WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN?

And the sad thing is, I can't even think of anything clever to write here. So I can't even do this: 

Yes, professor. I understand that not having a paper to hand in is perfectly unacceptable, BUT I did manage to write a kick-ass article on my blog and made hundreds of people Laugh-Out-Loud. The laughter of hundreds of people justifies my lack of research paper. If that doesn't sell you, look on the bright side- you have one less paper to read!

 

No, instead, I'm stuck in this scenario:

I'm failing history and produced the most useless blog entry known to man!

Now a clever, creative blogger would bring to you a smashing article about the Top 10 Best Procrastinators known to man, or something along those lines. But no. Not me. Instead, I just have this picture of  Jude Law standing naked in a shower.

Well then. No complaints here. :)

I really need to get my act together.

El Capitain OUT!

Wish me luck.

The Descent

Alright, Kids. So the other day we warmed up with a cheese-ball movie called Red Riding Hood. Today we're going to talk about an older movie (2005) that always manages to creep me out. And by creep me out I mean make me jump out of my seat and spend the rest of the night under my covers like this: 

Only I don't wear glasses and the last time I wore my hair like that I was about 4 years old.

The movie I'm going to review today is The Descent. 

The Descent is a British Film directed by Neil Marshall. It stars a whole bunch of gorgeous ladies that haven't starred in any major films. The cast includes, but is not limited to: Shauna MacDonald, Natalie Mendoza, and Alex Reid.

So what's this creep-tastic film about, El Capitain? You may ask. Well, dear reader, this movie is about a group of long-time British Gal Pals that travel to America to go on a Spelunking adventure. 

Claustrophobics BEWARE

Right off the bat, the film sets a terrible feeling with a foreboding musical score (inspired, perhaps, by The Shining's opening scene? No doubt). Though the first bit of the film is innocent enough, we can't help but get the creeps. Perhaps it was the cold, damp forests of the Appalachian mountains, or the jarring flashbacks of a brutal car accident endured by Sarah (the film's protagonist played by Shauna MacDonald). 

Beautiful... but eerie.

The ladies are supposedly going to explore Borhem Caverns, a touristy cave system. Little do they know, Juno (the troupe's adventure-seeker and wrong-doer) has taken them to an unexplored cave... 

Does this look safe to you!?!?

Now, one thing about this movie that I thoroughly respect, is that it followed almost all the rules of a perfect horror film. 

1. Isolation 

2. Darkness

3. Suspense 

4. Surprises 

Of course part of the tunnel caves in. It had to happen. Now our little spelunkers are trapped in the dark. 

Very bad things are about to happen...

In the dark, in an uncharted cave system. 

OH THE HORROR!

If you pay close attention during the movie, you can see creepy figures climbing about the walls. It was at this point in the movie my inner coward said:  

LEAVE! Leave, Damn you! Save yourself the torture and just get the hell out of dodge before something really bad happens! 

But my inner champ said: 

ONWARDS!

Of course I listen to my inner champ. 

Let's do this.

The troupe presses onwards into the dark depths of the cave, trying to find a way out. Those of you that are afraid of the dark, or closed in spaces, this movie is perfect for you! The majority of this film is so dark, so eerie, that you find yourself straining your eyes, trying to see around the characters. 

As a side note, does anyone else do that? Over-opening your eyes in hopes that you will magically develop cat-vision and see in the dark? 

Yeah. That.

Anyways. Back to the movie. It isn't too awfully long before we see the first creature. And BOY is it ever a shocker!

SURPRISE!

I hate that. Something creeping right over your shoulder in the dark? Blhiahfsafhjf. Talk about scary. If you didn't get startled, or jump during that scene, you should be given some kind of award. 

'gratz. You don't have the brain power to register a startling predator.

  

The film progresses as any other horror film. The group splits up, the humanoid cave dwellers get vicious, and people's head lamps start breaking. Great. So its dark, cramped, and crawling with scary thingies that like biting people's throats out. Wonderful. 

D:

All in all, the more I see this movie, the creepier it seems to get. I found it extremely uncomfortable. It's loaded with SURPRISE! Jump-scenes, right from the start. I can almost guarentee you'll make a mad dash for your bed, hide under the covers, and hold your breath. 

..... or maybe that was just me. 

I would recommend this film. Although it wasn't psychologically stimulating, or a real terror-fest; it was pretty scary, and prompted a feeling of dread in the audience. 

Oh. And the ending. 

Whaa? Noo D:

I'll let you see for yourselves ;) 

El Capitain OUT!