Friday, March 2, 2012

Movies are like chips.

Readers, today I had an epiphany. This epiphany stemmed from my movie experience in Film Class yesterday. What is it I realized? Movie are like chips

We all love chips. Potato chips are good. But if you're my friend Scotty you only like corn chips. And if you say you don't like chips, we all know: 

Bitch You LIE!

And we also know that we all love movies. Movies are good. And if you say you don't like movies, we all know: 

 Bitch You LIE! ...AGAIN!

So what is the relation? Other than all this lovin'? (and do keep in mind, this article is written in my humble opinion). Classic Chips, like Classic Movies, are boring. 


Yesterday in class we had to watch Citizen Kane, which is probably one of the most classic movies ever. But it was so boring. Boring as hell. Just like Classic flavored chips. 

While watching Citizen Kane, I was like: 

And if the only snacks available while I'm hungry are Classic Chips, I'm like: 

If my film prof heard me say that he'd probably slap me upside the head. Because "Citizen Kane is an amazing film and Orson Wells is a genius, and blah blah blah". But all I have to say is NO. Citizen Kane makes a blank piece of paper look interesting. 

One of the most famous lines ever... "Rosebud"
That clip is gross. I don't want to see an extreme closeup of someone's mouth unless it's Ryan Gosling's. Furthermore, that Mustache  reminds me of Dr. Phil's and that's disgusting. My final point on Citizen Kane is that the most interesting aspect of this film is the name of Kane's mansion: Xanadu. Not to mention, the room trashing scene moments before Kane's death reminded me entirely of the room trashing scene in the disaster movie The Room

So now that we know that Classic Movies = Classic Chips, we can move on to more exciting stuff. New Movies = Flavored chips. 


So not all movies are good. And not all flavored chips are good. But there is always that one weird person that likes that one weird movie. And that one weird person that likes ketchup flavored chips. I may or may not be that weird person. So no matter what movie or chip flavor you're talking about, someone's bound to love it. 

My logic blows your mind.

Furthermore, whether or not you like flavored chips or new movies, chances are they're not boring like Classic flavor. 

Now we've covered Classic Movies and Boring Chips, Newer Movies and Flavored Chips, its time to talk about those fucking weird movies and those weird as hell chip flavors.  Some things are just too weird. And messed up chip flavors = messed up movies. 


Chances are you've seen one movie that's left you thinking "WTF IS THAT FUCKERY?" And if you've been down the This-Makes-You-Fat aisle at your grocery store, you know that there are some messed up chip flavors out there. Need an example? I'll use the crown jewel of fucked up chips. 
Onion Rings and Ketchup Flavor. Yes this is one flavor. No I am not kidding. Here is proof: 

 I know, right? Crazy. I didn't even know people mixed ketchup and onion rings together! THAT EXISTS? What the hell. How the hell did someone pitch that idea? Were a bunch of idiots working for Doritos sitting around snorting cocaine and drinking tequila when one decided he wanted something to eat so he got onion rings and the drunk bastard sitting next to him spilled ketchup on them but he was all "what the hell I'm high and drunk and starving so I'll eat them anyways" then he was like "whoa this is fucking delicious we should sell this shit?" (biggest run on sentence ever, brah). SERIOUSLY. I was so intrigued by this conundrum of a flavor that I actually bought a bag and brought it home. I pounced on my poor unsuspecting father. I said "Daddy Dearest, I have something delicious for you to try" (or something like that). Then I fed him the Ketchup Onion Ring Doritos because I am a terrible daughter. My poor father gagged and actually spat them out. On the floor. Dramatically. Then he wiped his tongue and asked what in God's name I fed him. 

I then ran for my life.

Movies like that exist. Movies so weird that you're left wanting to rip your eyes out like Oedipus Rex or erase your memory. The movie equivalent to spitting chips out on the floor and wiping your tongue. The example that pops into my mind is Man With a Movie Camera. Seriously, that movie is as weird as Onion Ring & Ketchup flavored chips and then some. 

But then again, there are some weird chip flavors out there that are actually kind of delicious. Like Extreme Pickle. That's weird. But it's good. Sure, it leaves blisters on your tongue after you eat it. And sure, you're more or less positive there are more chemicals in that bag of chips than there is in a meth lab. And yeah, you're convinced that after eating a bag all to yourself you'll suffer the same sort of fate as Chernobyl victims and produce mutated children. But its good. And you're strangely attracted to them. And you and I both know there are movies like that too. 

So there you have it, folks. Movie are like Chips.   

Mind = Blown


1 comment:

  1. I like baby back ribs flavor, what kind of movie would that compare to? :P