Saturday, May 28, 2011

Sexy Saturday: Jason Statham

Since I missed 2 Sexy Saturdays in a ROW, and since the last Sexy Saturday wasn't much of a hit... at all... I feel like I need to make it up to you. So today, dear readers, I bring to you a man who could beat all of our previous Sexy Saturdays together in a fight. Today, I bring to you... 

Jason Statham!

Jason Statham may just be as close to perfect as an individual could get. I think it's a crying shame that he has no hair... That might just be his only flaw.

Statham and Willis should make a club. AFBB: Association for Balding Bad-asses.
If you're not yet convinced on Statham's Awesomeness, allow me to continue...
I think I can speak for a number of women (and men!!!) when I say that a man that can handle a car is instantly smoking hot. I think it's hot when a guy drives standard and has the ability to drift his vehicle and handle it like a pro. 

Extraordinary Drifters make my heart go pitter-pat.
 Well kids, I have news for you: Jason Statham happens to have a passion for driving. And yes, he can in fact handle his car like a champ. 

So what is this 43 year old Derbyshire native doing when he's not driving, you may ask? He's probably practicing MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) or working out.  

Fun Fact: When he's not making movies or working out or driving or fighting, he's probably diving. That's right. He was on The British National Diving Team. In the Olympics. 

I won't judge.
 Statham's filmography includes a few well known numbers, such as Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels (1998), Snatch (2000), The Transporter Movies, The Italian Job (2003), Cellular (2004), Crank (2006),  and The Expendables (2010). You can also catch him in the new animated film, Gnomeo & Juliet (2011) where he does the voice of Tybalt.

Tybalt always was the best.
Though I do enjoy quality films like Snatch and Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, I really enjoyed Statham in the poorly done transporter films. And don't deny it, guys. You know, deep in your heart, that the Transporter was poorly done. It would seem that Director Louis Leterrier paid no attention to detail. The movie was filled with flaws and discontinuities. But nevertheless, it was pretty darn hot. I especially LOVE the scene where Statham gets all oiled up in a shirtless fight versus a number of opponents:
And in the 3d movie... well, I'll just let you watch for yourselves...  

But Statham here isn't all just muscle and sex. He's actually got quite a cute smile.
Squinty eyes.
And damn does he ever look good in a suit... 

You know you wish you were her. Don't even try denying  it.
If he had hair he might stand a chance as James Bond.
Here at the Cinema Club, we like men who can drive. We like men who look good in suits. We like men that can get oiled up in a fist fight and still look hot while doing a strip tease. So here at the Cinema Club, we really like Jason Statham.

El Capitain OUT!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Never Ending Story

Well readers, today I just got home from visiting my horse, Scooter. It's been raining buckets where I live, and sadly my horse really hates the rain, so I had to take the poor guy into the barn. He was sopping wet and purely miserable. After blow-drying him off (I'm not joking, kids. I actually dried my horse with a hair-dryer), I turned him back outside with his blanket on. As I was slipping and sloshing through the mud, horse in tow, I was thinking about one particular scene from the movie The Never Ending Story (1984)...


Lucky for me, my horse didn't drown in a puddle, and I wasn't nearly that filthy.

Today, Audience, I am bringing to you a review of an old children's movie. Now, if you've ever seen '80s children's movies, you know that those puppets are freaking creepy!  

Exhibit A: The Skeksis from The Dark Crystal (1982)
Exhibit B: The Goblins from Labyrinth (1986)
Exhibit C: Those Podling critters from The Dark Crystal (1982)

Us Children from the '80s and '90s were desensitized after an early exposure to these horrendous puppets. Unfortunately, as a child, I saw The Never Ending Story (directed by Wolfgang Petersen), and instead of being desensitized by the creative display presented with Technovision, I became deeply scarred. Deeply scared, dear readers, by a particularly scary '80s puppet... ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you my deepest, darkest fear:  

G'mork the werewolf.
AKA The Creature Of Darkness.

You now have permission to picture 7 year old me screaming my mother lovin' face off

So how does this particularly frighting Wolf-Creature fit into this children's movie, you may ask? Allow me to explain. 

The movie The Never Ending Story is based off of the book written by German author Michael Ende. It is about a young boy named Bastian, who comes to have possession of a mysterious book. The story Bastian reads is about a magical land called Fantasia. This magical land is ruled by the Childlike Empress. 

This reminds me of My Sister's Keeper...
The Childlike Empress is dying, and only one person can save her. This someone is a young boy named Atreyu. 
Looks like a tomboy.
Atreyu sets off on a quest to find the cure for the dying empress. But of course this story needs a bad guy... and that's where G'mork the creepy talking werewolf comes in. 


I pretty much love this movie. It is a fabulous adventure movie for children. And the message behind the film (which is delivered during G'mork's creepy-as-fuck monologue) is actually really powerful. "Because people who have no hopes are easy to control; and whoever has the control... has the power!" 

Yep. Cool movie. 

I also need to mention that the little gnome critters, Engywook and Urgl, are probably the best characters ever invented. Ever.   


I've seen it a gillion times and I would recommend it to someone who likes fantasy movies. Note to reader: it's very apparent this movie was done in the '80s. But it's German. And we all know the Germans always make good stuff

El Capitain OUT! 


Ok, I have a riddle for you guys... 

What's 6'2, 235 pounds, and the father of a secret love child? 

If you answered: Arnold Schwarzenegger, you are absolutely CORRECT!

So unless you live under a rock, you've probably heard a murmur or two about Arnold Schwarzenegger's big Scandal. The Cinema Club is here to provide you with all the details on Arnie's major faux-pas. Looks like I beat Oprah! Muahaha! 

Arnold Schwarzenegger, much adored body builder, actor, and Governor of California; is happily married and the father of four children... or so we thought... 

Family photo! Ching!

 Up until only recently, Arnold Schwarzenegger was possibly one of the coolest dudes out there! I mean, talk about living life to the fullest:
He body Builds!
He models! (Well, kinda)
He acts!

He's a politician!
He's on a horse!

He's been mega successful in nearly everything he does. I mean, it would take me ages to write down a list of his accomplishments.  I guess my point is, he's always been a much adored good guy. Like an America's Sweetheart, only Austrian and stinky. 


Aside from a couple little faux-pas, Arnie has a pretty clean record. There were some allegations of sexual misconduct (they sound so bogus it's not even funny), some steroid usage, and a bit of an issue with marijuana. Other than that, Arnie's slate is clean. 
He be burnin'.
I find the tee-shirt he's wearing in the photo above to be quite comical. "Arnold is Numero Uno". Real classy. 

In early May 2011, Arnie and wife Maria Shriver ended their 25 year marriage. Why, you may ask? Because 10 years ago Arnold couldn't quite manage to "keep it in his pants", if you catch my drift, and fathered a son to a lady named Mildred Baena. Apparently Mildred was an employee at the house (because they live in an effing mansion). Maybe she was a cleaning lady or a cook or gardener or trophy polisher. 

Now with a name like Mildred and with her employment... I can't help but picture her looking a bit like Consuela from Family Guy. 

You know you agree.

Apparently Mildred is 50 years old and worked for the Schwarzeneggers for 20 years as a "housekeeper". lol yeah right. I wonder if this whole divorce thing will ever end up going in court. I picture it would go down like a murder trial, and Mildred would have to take the stand. And it would look like this: 

Lemon Pledge.

In reality, Mildred Baena only slightly resembled Consuela. And there likely won't be murder-esque trial. 

 And this is their kid:
I'm not going to be mean.
 So after viewing these photos, you're probably wondering OMFG WTF BATMAN!? HER? WHY!?!?!? Well, I have come to the conclusion that Arnold possibly has THE worst taste in women... EVER. Have you SEEN his wife??? (NOTE to reader: I started writing this post a week ago. Upon looking at a photo of Arnold's uglyCOUGH wife, my computer got a virus. Nice). She has been called Skeletor, for her resemblance to the He-man villain. I personally think she looks like a freakin' werewolf. In case you've never seen a photo of Maria Shriver, I will include one (or three). It has to be done, folks. 

See what I mean?!?! WEREWOLF!
Nicely done, Internet. Nicely done.
God dammit, no wonder Arnie cheated... as if her monthly lady-cycle wasn't bad enough, they also have to deal with the moon cycle aswell. Sheesh. 
The part that baffles me though, is why Consuela Mildred? Why? Why not something like this? I'm sure he could get it... I mean he's Arnold Freaking Schwarzenegger. He gets whatever he wants. 

Bleh. It's beyond me. 
El Capitain OUT!


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Bridge To Terabithia/ YOU'RE WELCOME, Annasophia Robb.

Hey, guys. So as we know there is a new flic coming out called Soul Surfer (2011) starring Miss Annasophia Robb. Since I don't get out to see movies often, I have to keep my blog up to date in creative ways. 

I get too excited over the snackbar and forget that I'm there to see a movie.
I figured it would be a good idea to do a review of an older movie called Bridge To Terabithia (2007) because it stars Josh Hutcherson and the new Starlet Annasophia Robb. 
I'm going to mention that I tend to be terrible at reviewing children's films (cough Hotel For Dogs cough). But I will make an honest effort to review Bridge to Terabithia (BTT) honestly and nicely. I promise I won't destroy it like I destroyed that "Butterflies" video. Ok, here we go... 

BTT is directed by Gabor Csupo (a very creepy looking dude that produced a bunch of children's cartoons). Though this film is in fact well directed and well put together, I'm really not sure what Country this movie takes place in... 
Off the top of my head I would like to say it takes place in the good old US of A, but the whole thing was filmed in New Zealand. To make it even more confusing, one of the characters, Jack Aarons, speaks with an American drawl (don't deny it Americans, most of you do in fact have a drawl).

Redneck FTW!
 The film is about a young boy named Jess Aarons, played by Josh Hutcherson. Jess' family is a bit too big and his parents are having some money problems. To put it simply, Jess is showing signs of depression at a young age. 

Life sucks when an ugly greasy kid sits behind you and breathes down your neck.
The similarities between this photo and the one above it make me LOL.
On the first day of school, a new kid is introduced to Jess' class. Her name is Leslie Burke, and she is played by Annasophia Robb. 

She's different just for the sake of being different! Uhg.
And what a goddamn hipster she threatens to be. 

                      Oh how I dislike the hipsters....
RIGHT I'm supposed to be nice in this review. Ok, ok. Err. Right. So Annasophia's character, though odd as she is, is actually quite cute. She's a genuine little thing with an incredible imagination. And that, my friends, is how this story gets started. Jess and Leslie become friends and together they create an imaginary world together. 

BFFs <3
I'd like to mention that I really like how children were children in this movie. That's right. 11 year old kids were acting like 11 year old kids are supposed to. Playing outside, using their imaginations, and just being themselves. Nowadays, children like to pretend that they're adults, and you and I both know that if two 11 year olds in the year 2011 ran off to the forest together, they would try to be all adult-like and experiment with messing around. Which is absolutely dumb because children know nothing on those matters. 

I've lost faith in the children of the 21st century.
So KUDOS to the writers, who kept the friendship between Jess and Leslie completely non sexual and incredibly honest and adorable. I like that kind of wholesomeness. 

Wholesomeness? wow I'm such a nerd.
I should also mention an important detail. Zooey Deschanel (AKA Katy Perry's identical twin) is also in BTT.  She plays the gorgeous music teacher, Ms Edmunds, who Jess has a bit of a crush on.
I sense yet another hipster...
Now here's the thing about Zooey Deschanel: after seeing here in one or two movies, you think she's a good, genuine actress. But the thing is... she always plays the same damn character! Always! She's so lame. She always plays the same easy going, cool chick hipster like character. And it's boring. So yeah, whatever Zooey. Let us know when you branch out a little and actually start acting. And how the hell do we pronounce your name, anyways? Zooie? Zoe? Wtf?  

Lucky for us, Jess has a little sister named May Belle (played by Bailee Madison) and she is so cute it's almost disgusting. Almost.

See what I mean? Cute, right?
Bailee provides the acting talent Zoooooeeeyyy-whats-her-face-Deschanel only wishes she had. Her character is adorable, and though a bit spoiled, very genuine and sweet. She loves her big brother to death, and here at the Cinema Club, we like it when big brothers take care of their little sisters. 
I wuv my big brother!
Right, so let's talk a bit about Josh Hutcherson. His performance in BTT is, in my opinion, his best. It was a major development from his performances in movies like Journey to the Center of the Earth (2008), and Zathura (2005). He packed an emotional punch, and really nestled into his character. KUDOS! 
A for Adorable!
So we all know that Hutchy here made a cute kid. But do ya wanna see what he looks like all grown up? 

Of course you do. 

He turned out nicely.
I am pleased with this result. And since we know Hutcherson can act, we can expect many more movies out of him. Which I suppose is fine, considering some of my all time favesies are getting ...sniff... old, and are unable to play those rambunctious roles they used to. 
Now I suppose it would be prudent to talk about Annasophia Robb, since of course she's the one with the new movie coming out. Her acting in BTT was good, and her character was really cute. So I really don't have any complaints. And just like Hutchy up there, she too has turned into quite the looker. 

She and Hutchy should date. They'd be a cute couple.
Actually, the more I think about it, the more I want Annasophia and Josh to go out... how awesome would that be!? 

So cute!
The friendship they conveyed on screen was really solid and believable. 
Of course this movie isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Something bad happens, and the film takes a rather unfortunate turn. It actually gets really sad, and many people agree that this film turns out to be quite the tear jerker. 

All in all, I'm not going to run around saying things like "Lalalala Bridge to Terabithia is an amaaaazing movie and everyone should watch it lalaalalala!". But I am going to say that it is a cute film, despite its cheesiness. The acting is surprisingly good, and if you watch this movie with a serious attitude, it can prove to be rather emotional.  

Warning: Video below is a bit of a spoiler (and the quality is quite unfortunate).

El Capitain OUT!