Thursday, May 26, 2011


Ok, I have a riddle for you guys... 

What's 6'2, 235 pounds, and the father of a secret love child? 

If you answered: Arnold Schwarzenegger, you are absolutely CORRECT!

So unless you live under a rock, you've probably heard a murmur or two about Arnold Schwarzenegger's big Scandal. The Cinema Club is here to provide you with all the details on Arnie's major faux-pas. Looks like I beat Oprah! Muahaha! 

Arnold Schwarzenegger, much adored body builder, actor, and Governor of California; is happily married and the father of four children... or so we thought... 

Family photo! Ching!

 Up until only recently, Arnold Schwarzenegger was possibly one of the coolest dudes out there! I mean, talk about living life to the fullest:
He body Builds!
He models! (Well, kinda)
He acts!

He's a politician!
He's on a horse!

He's been mega successful in nearly everything he does. I mean, it would take me ages to write down a list of his accomplishments.  I guess my point is, he's always been a much adored good guy. Like an America's Sweetheart, only Austrian and stinky. 


Aside from a couple little faux-pas, Arnie has a pretty clean record. There were some allegations of sexual misconduct (they sound so bogus it's not even funny), some steroid usage, and a bit of an issue with marijuana. Other than that, Arnie's slate is clean. 
He be burnin'.
I find the tee-shirt he's wearing in the photo above to be quite comical. "Arnold is Numero Uno". Real classy. 

In early May 2011, Arnie and wife Maria Shriver ended their 25 year marriage. Why, you may ask? Because 10 years ago Arnold couldn't quite manage to "keep it in his pants", if you catch my drift, and fathered a son to a lady named Mildred Baena. Apparently Mildred was an employee at the house (because they live in an effing mansion). Maybe she was a cleaning lady or a cook or gardener or trophy polisher. 

Now with a name like Mildred and with her employment... I can't help but picture her looking a bit like Consuela from Family Guy. 

You know you agree.

Apparently Mildred is 50 years old and worked for the Schwarzeneggers for 20 years as a "housekeeper". lol yeah right. I wonder if this whole divorce thing will ever end up going in court. I picture it would go down like a murder trial, and Mildred would have to take the stand. And it would look like this: 

Lemon Pledge.

In reality, Mildred Baena only slightly resembled Consuela. And there likely won't be murder-esque trial. 

 And this is their kid:
I'm not going to be mean.
 So after viewing these photos, you're probably wondering OMFG WTF BATMAN!? HER? WHY!?!?!? Well, I have come to the conclusion that Arnold possibly has THE worst taste in women... EVER. Have you SEEN his wife??? (NOTE to reader: I started writing this post a week ago. Upon looking at a photo of Arnold's uglyCOUGH wife, my computer got a virus. Nice). She has been called Skeletor, for her resemblance to the He-man villain. I personally think she looks like a freakin' werewolf. In case you've never seen a photo of Maria Shriver, I will include one (or three). It has to be done, folks. 

See what I mean?!?! WEREWOLF!
Nicely done, Internet. Nicely done.
God dammit, no wonder Arnie cheated... as if her monthly lady-cycle wasn't bad enough, they also have to deal with the moon cycle aswell. Sheesh. 
The part that baffles me though, is why Consuela Mildred? Why? Why not something like this? I'm sure he could get it... I mean he's Arnold Freaking Schwarzenegger. He gets whatever he wants. 

Bleh. It's beyond me. 
El Capitain OUT!


No comments:

Post a Comment