Monday, April 11, 2011


I am going to completely spoil this film.

I am terrified of wolves. Terrified. Ever since 1984's The Neverending Story, my dreams have been haunted by enormous black wolves. Seriously. So you can imagine my horrified fascination when I read the summary for a film called Frozen (2010), Directed by Adam Green, and saw that there were wolves involved. Hungry Wolves. 

Frozen is about three skiers; Dan, his girlfriend Parker, and Joe. The students don't have enough money to buy lift tickets, so they bribe a liftee into letting them ride the lift for only a hundred bucks. Night falls, and right before the hill closes, Dan, Joe and Parker decide they want to go up one last time. The liftee doesn't want to let them up, as the park will be closing soon, but they persuade him to let them up. They end up getting stranded on the lift, 50 feet (or so) above hard packed snow. And the Park closes. For a week. 

Well now we're screwed.

 Now, I'm going to put my foot down right now and say this: The first 1/3 of the film BLEW. The acting was atrocious, and I found myself rolling my eyes. The characters were rigid and poorly scripted. They didn't seem real, and their lines were forced. So not only was it impossible to really attach with any of the characters, but it was set up to look like a really low grade horror film. Just plain BAD. But out of nowhere, when the chairlift stops and shit gets real, the characters suddenly spring  to life! And not only do you find yourself hopelessly growing attached to one (or all) of the characters, but you can't help but get a feeling of dread deep in your stomach. That is especially true if you read the back of the movie case and if you're like me and have a repressed nightmarish fear of wolves. 

Thanks for ruining my childhood, you bastard.

Now, here's where the spoilers come in. Within the first 15 seconds of the film, I was able to figure out which characters die, and in what order they die in. 

Cute, noble, and brave men ALWAYS die in movies. Especially when a blonde chick is involved.

It's interesting how different movies affect different people in different ways. Sometimes a movie really speaks to someone, becomes the stuff of nightmares, or sticks with them for a greater part of of their life. For me, Frozen hit all of my emotional hot spots, and left me feeling extremely bent out of shape. As an extremely protective person, I found it unbearable when Parker's boyfriend, Dan, volunteered to jump off the lift to go get help. If I were Parker, I simply would not have let that happen. "Excuse me, charming boyfriend, but we're over 50 feet above hard packed snow. If you jump, you will surly fracture your legs, then I will have to go down and get you. So no, you're not allowed to jump." But no one really says anything.... they're all like "Yeah, uh, that's a bad idea" but they don't protest when he takes a leap. 
And guess what, kids? 
That's right. He breaks both his legs. 

This is anatomically incorrect.
  And just when you don't think it can get any worse (seriously) you hear growling and howling in the distance. It was at this point, I literally started getting nauseous. So then they do this close up of this poor Bastard down below, and he buried his face in his hands. Guess what we see when he peeks through his icy cold fingers? 

Upon seeing this, I screamed hysterically and cried a little.

 This scene was brutal. Because right above, Joe and Parker have to watch. They throw their skis and snowboard, they yell, but it's hopeless. This guy is wolf food. And it makes me sick. 
Perhaps one of the most heart breaking parts of this film, was as poor Danny Boy was getting eaten alive by wolves, he screamed up to Joe "Don't you dare make her watch!" 
Over her hysterical screaming, we hear a hungry pack of wolves devouring a screaming Dan.
 All poor Dan could do against the wolves was put his arms up over his head and pray for a quick death.
Now frankly, if I were Parker, I would have bailed off that chairlift to be right there with my guy. That's just how I am. As protective as a mother velociraptor

I have a soft spot for men like this guy has a soft spot for kittens.
 So as this adorable guy is being slaughtered on screen, I was yelling at Parker, and looked a bit like this: 
But alas. It was hopeless. 
Now with Dan's bloody remains under the chairlift, Parker and Joe get into a very uncomfortable blame-fight, where they try to peg Dan's death on each other. Awwwkwaaaard..... This is short lived (Thank goodness). Then something new happens and the acting gets waaay good. First, Joe tells the story about how he and Dan met in 1st grade. This little monologue makes us seriously mourn over Dan as if he was our best friend, too. The story suddenly gives Dan some depth, and makes him seem so very real. And even more adorable. And it was truly heartbreaking. The next monologue was by Parker. If you're a dog owner, this speech will surly move you.

Once morning rolls around, one can't help but feel a tad bit relieved. But when we see what happens to Parker, feel chilled to the bone. 
Both characters are covered in frostbite. I don't know how she could have possibly fallen asleep with her bare hand out on the frozen bar (I'd have my hands jammed between my thighs or armpits). But it was pretty cringe-worthy. So I'm going to say, one thing that really annoyed me about this film, was how utterly stupid Parker was. Here she is, essentially freezing to death on a chairlift, and she doesn't even have her jacket zipped up all the way. On the other side, we have Joe, who wouldn't even put his hood up. Grow a brain guys, seriously. 

Zip up your jacket, you dumb bitch.
So while watching this film, I couldn't help but feel mighty chilly myself.... 
This is how I felt.
Now the thing about most horror films, is that the things out to kill the protagonists generally only come out at night. Those who have mastered horror films know that the stuff of nightmares is just as chilling during the day. So when Joe does his cover shot SpiderMan move: 
It's like Jaws, but in the snow.
 and the wolves start swarming below in sync with a chilling violin score, we know that something very bad is going to happen. Very bad indeed. 
Joe makes it onto the ground, and uses a ski pole as a wolf-poker. 
Get off me, mangy wolf scum!!!
Now, if you've ever worn ski boots, you know that you really can't freakin' move in those things.
Golly! My legs sure are useless!
The last we see of Joe is him sliding around a curve on a snowboard, a pack of wolves hot on his firmly-encased-in-plastic-heels.

And then we wait. 

And wait. 

And wait. 

After waiting with a gruesome looking Parker, it becomes apparent that Joe has also been turned into Puppy-chow. Then something miraculous happens... the chairlift breaks, and Parker is slowly dropped to the ground! With the wolves gone, Parker is free to safely drop to the snow (though she does injure her ankle in the process). Parker literally crawls on her belly down the hill, weaving through bushes and powder. As she is doing this, I can't help but think: If that was me, I'd be bawling my eyes out like an absolute baby. This was turned to fact, when Parker turns a corner and sees this: 
This was Joe.
But the Wolves leave Parker alone, and she's able to crawl to the highway, where some guy in a minivan picks her up. 
I did nothing productive but I get off Scott-free!
And I guess that's part of the reason why this film really irked me. Parker did nothing in this film, except piss her pants and cry a whole lot, yet she's the one who lives. The two guys that actually worked towards saving everyone died, and that SUCKS. 

All in all, Frozen pushed all my buttons, and left me feeling a bit shaken. But when you really think about it, there are some aspects of the film that were pretty bad... for instance, some random road was clearly visibly at multiple points in the film, not once did you see anyone's breath, they were actually quite close to the ski lodge, wolves wouldn't under any circumstance be kickin' around that close to humans, and Dan's legs would have broken differently. But, despite those few flaws, I'd say that Frozen was absolutely chilling, and I'd recommend it. 

Thank God Ski Season is OVER.

El Capitain OUT! 

Do I sense a Sexy Saturday winner!?!?
If it's any consolation, if you were my crush or boyfriend or friend or loved one or perhaps even a sexy Saturday, this wouldn't have happened.

 Here's a link to the trailer.

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