Friday, January 27, 2012

The post of movie hate

Worst week of my life, readers. And I'm not being dramatic. It was pretty damn awful. I swear those Evil Gnomes were at it again. Here's what they cooked up this time: 

Evil Gnome #1: You know, we were way too nice when we decided to send Tim Roth, Jamie Bell and Gary Oldman to Milan together to model Prada. 
Evil Gnome #2: That was completely against our original intentions to bring this young lady nothing but misery and despair. 
Evil Gnome #3: We should come up with something extra terrible to even things out.
Evil Gnome #2: Excellent idea. 
Evil Gnome #1: We should make her watch a movie in Film Class about love and adultery. Rubbing the fact that she's heart broken in her face is possibly the most horrendous thing we could do.
Evil Gnome #3: Brilliant! Also, we should make every seat that she sits in at the University extra squeaky. 
Evil Gnome #2: How delightfully diabolical! 
Evil Gnome #1: How about a pop quiz in German class about the subject she's least sure about?  
Evil Gnome #3: Perfect! 
Evil Gnome #1: And another test in Film class!
Evil Gnome #3: Even better! 
Evil Gnome #2: Let's make her vomit in the car on Monday. 
Evil Gnome #3: This is our best idea yet. 

And then they did lots of this: 


 But I shouldn't complain that much, as I happened to have had the most amazing Tuesday EVAR. My Dad took me to a hockey game, and that brought immense amounts of joy to my heart. My family was watching the game at home, and since I was the only one actually cheering at the game, they heard me screaming on TV. This makes me feel somewhat famous and important. OK, back to business now. 

Since I'm festering in this negative mood, I might aswell make a list about my least favorite movies and share it with the world. You're welcome.

My Top 10 Least Favorite Movies 

10. True Grit

So, I really dislike Western Movies. And that's really strange, because I love the country and I'm a genuine Cowboy-approved Horse Girl. But man oh man, there's something about Western Flicks that I just can't stand. Don't get me wrong, there are a few exceptions (My Name is Nobody, Young Guns) but on the most part its fair to say that if it's a Western, I don't want to watch it. Though I had high hopes for True Grit. Obviously it will be filled with pretty ponies, and Matt Damon is in it. So... you know, it was worth the risk. 
Surprise! It's Matt Damon. Yeuch.
 But my hopes were quickly extinguished, as Matt Damon had a mustache, and Jeff Bridges stars in most of the film. I hate Jeff Bridges. I think he's a stinker. I suppose there's really nothing for me to be complaining about. The film was well acted, the story was pretty good, and if I remember correctly it had a decent score. So why so much hate? I really couldn't tell ya. I just didn't like it. Though one thing I did approve of was the gorgeous scenery. But I live in Canada so I see gorgeous scenery all the time. It would be more worthwhile to go on a hike than watch True Grit.

9. In the Mood for Love

I was in Film class on Thursday sitting in my squeaky hard Plastic seat wearing Sweatpants and wondering what kind of movie we'd be watching. Then the prof said "If anybody has some kind of inner loathing for beautiful things, this is your cue to leave." And I thought: Jeeze I'd better get the hell outta dodge! How could I possible sit through a movie called In the Mood for Love when my heart is broken? I'll never be in the mood for love ever again! As a matter of fact, I've decided I'm done with men forever and while I've been looking at Nunneries to join I've been working on my collection of cats. It's just not fair! But since my grade depended on my watching this film, I hunkered down in my seat and miserably ate a Tim Horton's Banana Nut Muffin, prepared for the shit-fest that would soon begin. So, In the Mood for Love is a film by Kar Wai Wong. My Prof and that kid I sit next to were under the impression that this film is immensely beautiful. I just didn't see it. As a matter of fact, I thought it was really f*cking dumb. Not only were none of the characters in the film ever actually "in the mood for love", but the movie was about cheating spouses and a romance that never really happened. 
This is what I looked like through the entire film.
And frankly, I don't see any beauty in unrequited love, a dilapidated apartment in Hong Kong, and a way-too-skinny leading lady that eats nothing but white rice and noodles. I suppose it's all a matter of opinion, and it's really quite possible that I'm the only cynical bastard that found this movie the be a pain in the ass. But let's be serious. This movie was junk and nobody actually likes Subtitled films.

8. Planet of the Apes (2001)

So I recently expressed my utter disgust for this film in what was possibly my most profane entry to date [Link]. But I'm willing to talk about it again, in a more civil manner. I disliked this movie so much because I found it deeply unsettling. I hate the idea of apes ruling the planet, and I hate (with every fiber of my being) the fact that my darling Tim Roth pretty much starred in this film as an ill-tempered monkey. Not gonna lie, he lost some sex appeal that night. Speaking of Sex Appeal, that was another aspect of this film that made me react like this: 


They tried to make their apes sexy. And I mean, come on. What the hell. Helen Bonham Carter played the leading she-ape, and they tried to create some kind of demented lust story between her and Mark Wahlberg. To which I shriek: "NO! YOU'RE A F*CKING MONKEY FOR CHRIST SAKE!" I pretty much went batshit insane after the kiss scene and decided that this movie was too much weird for me to handle.   

7. Sin City

 OK, So I don't hate Frank Miller's Sin City, but I sure as hell don't like it. Again, it was just way too weird for me. I've seen it twice, and though I find it tolerable, I don't go out of my way to watch it. When I was in Cuba with my friend, she found a Spanish version on our Hotel Room TV. I watched for like, half an hour. Then I turned over and fell asleep. I had a big issue with that whole hooker thing, and I dunno... it was just way too strange. The women were way over-sexualized, and that sort of shit is no fun for us chicks to watch. Unless of course you're a lesbian. Then you might enjoy it. And believe me, I am no lesbian, and I really didn't find any joy in watching Jessica Alba act like a whore.

 So I suppose this film was quite creative, and I'll admit it was intriguing and "different". If it weren't for the rampantly disgusting whorish females in the film, I may have found it more enjoyable to watch.   

6. Journey to the Center of the Earth

 Just so fucking bad.

5. The Skeleton Key

 You know those movies that draw you in and completely absorb you and have you on the edge of your seat then go and have a completely terrible ending that makes you feel like screaming/demanding the last 2 hours of your life back? Yeah. The Skeleton Key was one of those movies. It was good. Taking place in the deep south and sporting beautiful cinematography. Although, it was very creepy. The Skeleton Key is a thriller, and boy did it live up to its genre. But the ending... I just can't get over how AWFUL the ending was. And those kinds of movies are never fun. Because as humans, we always hope for a happy ending. 

4. 30 Days of Night

 Ok, so before I begin I have to give the filmmakers some credit. Its a vampire movie and the vampires don't sparkle. They're actually bloodthirsty creeps that come out only at night. Ok, Kudos. Now we tear it apart. I had high hopes for this film, it had a spooky premise playing on the fact that parts of the arctic can get completely dark for up to a month (thus 30 days of night). Is there not a better setting for a vampire movie? An isolated town thats stuck in night for a month? HELLO! That's awesome! But unfortunately this movie fell victim to poor acting and a weak story line. It got 6.6 stars on IMDB but I wouldn't even give it that. If you're watching a movie and you can't even wait for it to end, there's a problem. Honestly I think you might have more fun watching Twilight. And no, that was not a joke. At least with Twilight you can laugh at Edward's glitter and the fact that Kristen Stewart is the human equivalent of a blank piece of paper. This movie was just weak sauce. 

Hey Bella, wanna kiss?

3. Dream Catcher

I had really high hopes for this movie. And I actually really enjoyed the first third of the film. It was actually really creepy. Plus, I really liked this one guy's catch phrase "Fuck me Freddy." I love saying "Fuck me Freddy." Because when I think of Freddy I think of Tim Roth's character in Reservoir Dogs and he's really freakin' hot so now every time I swear I get a little bit turned on. 

Gorgeous, son
 Right. So back to Dreamcatcher. Of course the first guy to kick the bucket is really cute. That set the tone, right there. But I guess what gets this film onto the list of movie hate is the fact that it had so much freakin' potential. It's Stephen King, for starters. And the setting was a forest in the wintertime. It had all the potential to be a freak-fest but it was such a let down! The story got so weird and then there was something about Aliens, and by the time Samuel L Jackson showed up I was shaking my head trying to figure out what the hell was going on with the guy with multiple personality disorder and why the other guy had an obsession with chewing on toothpicks. Furthermore, the aliens at the end were just really pathetic and sort of resembled dinosaurs. If that doesn't convince you, I'm sure this picture will: 
Beware ginger with dog on his shoulders.
2. Unfaithful 

This movie brought sadness to my heart. I have a big issue with cheating, and this movie is about a cheating wife that destroys her family. It was a very well done film, but it was so incredibly sad. To watch her husband's heart break over the course of the film was heart wrenching. I think that cheating is incredibly low and disgusting and only the very worst people do it. This entire film was about some chick cheating and believe me, it was unsettling to watch. Lots of people like the movie because the sex scenes were pretty hot, but to be honest I found myself cringing the entire time. "BUT HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND!" I found myself screaming at the screen. Well that didn't stop her. 

Look how broken he is. You're such a whore.
This movie was really well done in a sense that I became absorbed in it and I felt like I wanted to interact with the characters. But it lands itself in the list of movie hate because of the apparent theme and because of the yucky feeling it left me with. Nobody likes heartbreak, and it sucks to watch it happen almost as much as it sucks to be in it. This movie shouldn't be called "Unfaithful", it should be called "Shit that happens when you act like a whore".    

1. Reign of Fire

OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS AWFUL. It takes place in a post-apocalyptic world where dragons are scaring the living shit out of everyone and forcing them to live in volcanoes or something stupid like that. Reign of Fire is a movie about what happens when men grow up with an obsession with fairy tales. It is about dragons and people that are pretending to be all cool and bad ass but looking like fucking idiots in the process. I give up. I'll share the summary provided on IMDB: "A brood of fire-breathing dragons emerges from the earth and begins setting fire to everything, establishing dominance over the planet." Are you fucking serious? Who pitched that shit and who smoked enough crack to think its a good idea? "Begins setting fire to everything." Oh god, what is the world coming to? That's crap. So much crap. And that's honestly what the movie is about. A bunch of fucking dragons flying around starting shit on fire and Christian Bale trying to be all cool and doing I don't even know what to stop them. Uhg. And this isn't even one of those movies like Trolls 2 where its so bad it's hilarious. Whoever made this was dead fucking serious and everyone acting in it was trying to be all hard-core. Reign of Fire failed harder than this kid trying to sled down the stairs on a mattress: 

(I'm going to hell for the intensity with which I laughed at this clip)

Instead of wasting more time talking about Reign of Fire, I'm going to show you terrible movie clips that are better than this horrendous movie. Enjoy. :) 

I hope those clips brought you all sorts of joy.  

In conclusion, I hope you can agree with me on this list of movie-hate. If you didn't, well, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I hope at least that amusing Jonathan Toews gif brought some laughter.

1 comment:

  1. Well you've managed to convince me to see Troll 2! Haha