Ever since that Movies Are Like Chips post, I've had this crazy craving for, well, chips. Lately my diet has been particularly questionable. Pizza Pretzels coated in hot sauce for breakfast? Pizza with the zucchini toppings picked off for supper? It's at this point people look at me with raised eyebrows and I'm just like:
SHHH! I'm a Carbivore. This is what I do.
So what are we going to talk about today, other than the deliciousness that is carbs? Well I'd like to mention that up here in the Great White North it is snowing like crazy and we're supposed to get about 15cm of it tonight.
Fan-fucking-tastic.
All this wintery weather has gotten me thinking about wintery movies. And amongst films like The Thing, Frozen, andThe Grey,one movie in particular comes to mind. What movie might that be? Well I'd love to tell you, but the truth is, I can't remember the title. How pathetic. See, back when I was in High School...
...My French immersion class watched a movie before we went on Christmas Break. Our teacher, hellbent on showing a French Canadian film, put on a silly DVD about a bunch of kids that go on Christmas break. My memory of the movie is a bit fuzzy. I think there was something about them starting a snowball war and then they built a fort and maybe somebody's dog died. So obviously that isn't a legitimate movie review, and I shall make it my personal quest on this snowy afternoon to find this movie!
This will be me in a few short moments:
WOW that actually only took about 5 seconds. I just used that magical tool called Google and typed in "Filme Quebecois La Guerre" and it was one of the first results to come up. So the movie we're talking about today is called La Guerre des Tuques. For all you non-French Speakers that means "The War of Toques". For those of you who don't speak Canadian, that pretty much translates into "The War Of Warm Winter Hats".
So the movie is about a bunch of kids that go on Christmas vacation. At the end of school, a Jr. Gang of French kids decide to break up in a snow war. They're all legit and they even write down their rules before the war starts.
Because we Canadians are classy.
Before they go home, they split up into two teams, and pick their base. Its full on war with these kids. But after a while this war is getting exhausting, and one group decides enough is enough. They resent going outside because they're being pelted with snowballs all the time. So they decide to take a stand and put an end to this war.
Now if any of you are reading this review with a raised eyebrow wondering "Whats the big deal? It's winter! It's Canada! Therefore it is cold. Why don't these kids just stay indoors?"
Well here's the deal, folks. Canadians adapt to the cold and we thrive in the snow. As I type this it is snowing like crazy outside, and just last Saturday I stood outside a club, for close to an hour, in an itty bitty little miniskirt, high heels, and a leather jacket. Sure, I was shaking and thought I was going to die, but the fact is I survived.
Genuine Canadian.
So this is what kids do in the winter in Canada. We go outside. And the kids in La Guerre des Tuques are no different. This is a really cute movie, and if you speak French I recommend you watch it. Its somewhat difficult to impress me with movies, but I was happy with this one. :)
Someone is really hurting my feelings right now and I just don't know how to handle it.
Readers, I haven't felt this bent out of Shape since I first saw Mr. White kill Mr. Orange a few years ago.
This broke my heart. </3. My soul bled. Profusely. For days.
I really truly wish I could turn myself into an emotionless husk of a human being. That way, I would be safe from any sort of heart ache and/or disappointment. Anyone wanna join me?
YES!
OK. Awesome.
I'm not entirely sure what we're going to do now, because emotion is the core of the human experience. Great. Now we're screwed. I suppose there really is only one thing left to do....
BLOG ABOUT OUR PROBLEMS ON TEH INTERNET!!!1!!1!
Trolling = success
Nah, I kid.
The Internet is no place for people's problems.
The Internet is a place for this cat.
Instead, I'm throwing together yet another Top 10 List.
Today's countdown?
Top 10 Movie Meltdowns.
You see, I hope that by blogging about other people's meltdowns, I can avoid taking part in one myself.
Because feeling like this sucks.
Top 10 Movie Meltdowns
10. Arnold Schwarzenegger's Spazz Attack in Kindergarten Cop
SHUT UP!!!
Even his scream has an accent. Now that's impressive. This is a particularly fantastical freak-out, and I believe nobody pulls off a tantrum better than Schwarzenegger. After being stuck in a classroom full of rotten, screeching misbehaving children, Schwarzenegger's character finally reaches his breaking point. And the outcome is pretty awesome. View the wrath of Schwarzenegger HERE.
9. Dwayne's Meltdown in Little Miss Sunshine
You can't help but feel bad for the guy. His dreams of joining the Air force have just been crushed. This is a situation I can completely relate to. Although, mind you, I didn't run down a hill screaming at the top of my lungs. I suffered in silence then went to University.
8. The Matchmaker's rage in Mulan
Was that really necessary? Kay just wondering.
7. Happy's Freakout in Happy Gilmore
So pretty much all of Happy Gilmore's freak-outs are AMAZING, but this one is my favorite. This also doubles as one of the funniest clips I've ever seen. Though I suppose out of context it just looks like an epic tantrum.
6. Parker's Meltdown in Frozen
Ok, so this meltdown is completely, 100% justified. I can almost guarantee that I would react the exact same way, if my boyfriend was being eaten alive by wolves. Only I think that perhaps I would have jumped from that chairlift in a stupid as hell attempt to save his life. And end up as wolf-chow in the process. But really, this movie meltdown is really... intense.
5. Ted the Bellhop's Rant on the phone in Four Rooms
So I love Tim Roth. Like, a lot. He's my favorite. Well... yeah, ok. He and Thomas Kretschmann are both my favorite. Upon mentioning this to a dear friend of mine, he said to me "Ewwww now I'm picturing you in bed with a couple of old men" to which I laughed hysterically. Anyways! Tim Roth is a brilliant actor. We all know this. And this scene in the hilarious movie Four Rooms is one of his best performances. Here he is, after the most eventful shift of his life, ranting on the phone to Margaret. I love this scene so much. The squeaking and cracking of his voice and his hysterical facial expressions... priceless.
4. Cameron Destroying his Dad's car in Ferris Bueller's Day off
Yes, parents can be extremely frustrating. Though trashing your Dad's Ferrari is a step on the... wild side...
3.Mae Whitman's tantrum in Hope Floats
I cannot this clip online, nor can I find a picture from this scene. But believe me, it was very heart breaking. Mae Whitman's character is named Bernice Pruitt. Bernice's parents have recently split up, and she's been living with her mom. After her grandmother's funeral, her father comes by to ask for a divorce. Confused with the situation, Bernice runs after her dad, begging him to take her with him. Her father refuses. This little innocent girl holding a bunny rabbit doll with big wonky glasses begging her father to take her with him. He throws her luggage out of the car and slams the car door in her face. At this point, this little girl is bawling and crying, begging her father to take her. He drives away, leaving her sobbing in the street. Really, if this doesn't make you feel bad I don't know what will. Needless to say, Whitman's acting was superb.
2. Ewan McGregor's Sobfest in Moulin Rouge
When men cry, I can't help but cry too. There's something about when a guy that normally has it together really loses it an erupts in sobs that just gets me right in the heart. When I first saw Moulin Rouge, I absolutely bawled my eyes out alongside Ewan McGregor at the end. And that's impressive, because I didn't like Nicole Kidman's Character. AT ALL. No, it was the absolute agony that Ewan McGregor threw at us. The whirlwind of sobbing pain. McGregor has the best man cry I've ever heard. Witness the trauma HERE.
1. Bruno Ganz's epic Freakout in Der Untergang (Downfall)
I absolutely love this movie. And frankly, Bruno Ganz does the best portrayal of Hitler I have ever seen. Ever. He is amazing. And this scene proves this. This is, easily, the most epic meltdown in movie history.
____________
And now 4 minutes and 13 seconds of Nicolas Cage being, well, Nicolas Cage.
In honor of the spookiest night of the year, I have decided to compile a list of the Top 10 Scariest Things I have ever seen, to contribute to the ghoulish spirit of October 31st! So without further ado, here is El Capitain's Scary List!
Boo!
10. That commercial with Ovechkin's head in some kid's locker
Admit it. That's pretty damn Creepy.
[Insert woman-shriek here]
In my opinion, Ovechkin is scary enough without being a creepy talking disembodied head. Sure, he's a fantastic Hockey player, this is certain. In my opinion, that one awesome goal against the Habs solidifies this fact for the rest of time. But I prefer Ovechkin on the ice, with a helmet and mouthgard on. Not with his head in my locker.
NO! D:
9. The scene from The Descent 2 where Sarah pops up out of nowhere
(for some reason I couldn't embed the video, Sorry!)
Not too long ago, I accidentally took a few too many T3's... I wandered downstairs, to find my father watching a movie. Before I could even open my mouth to ask what was on, This disgruntled blonde chick pops up and presses herself against the car window. In my sleepy, dazed state, I screamed and jumped about 2 feet in the air. Like this:
And thus this scene finds itself of the list of Stuff that scared the living daylights out of El Capitain.
8. The Morlocks from the Bark To The Future Episode of Wishbone
This was scarier when I was alone in my basement in the 90's.
OK, so you're laughing at me. Those of you that grew up in the 90's probably watched Wishbone. And are very well aware that it's a children's show. But a bunch of ape-like troglodytes called Morlocks that come out in the dark and try to FEAST ON YOUR FLESH or even worse... DRAG YOU INTO THEIR CREEPY WELL are worth being scared of. In my humble opinion.
Lucky for us, though, the Morlocks are afraid of light. So as long as you're armed with a Flashlight, everything should be ok.
God forbid our Batteries run out.
H.G Wells sure did a good job creating a creepy monster that goes BOO! in the dark, and Wishbone did a great job of scaring the children of the 90's.
Yes, random Youtube user. Yes indeed.
Here's a Link to the 3rd part of the episode. (May I also mention that this Episode of Wishbone taught me how to do fractions? Ahh, God Bless wholesome family programming).
7. The Chest Buster Scene from Alien
I would like to mention that the movie Alien scared me thoroughly from start to finish. And this scene in the kitchen was too much for my mind to handle.
The WORST possible thing that could happen, happened. Here is the scene in 6 photos, accompanied by my train of thought:
Hey, he's kinda cute.
omg somethings wrong with him.
omg somethings really wrong with him.
OMFG WTF IS HAPPENING?
WTF IS THAT!?!?!?
Well that was an unfortunate waste.
Why does the cute one always die?
I shall leave you with that deep question and move on to #6.
6. Quint's Death scene in Jaws
Um. A guy screaming his lung out while being chewed to death by a shark. It's pretty disturbing. And when the actor snaps the blood pack in his mouth and screams in agony, well, you can't help but feel for the guy.
The worst way to go.
This movie ruined the ocean for me. Thanks, Jaws. Thanks a lot.
5. The Baby monitor scene from Insidious
This movie is damn scary. We see a lady, playing the piano. And suddenly the baby monitor crackles. A man's voice rages "I WANT IT NOW!" She runs up the stairs and sees the figure of a demon standing in the window. HOW SCARY IS THAT!? It would be enough to do me in. No baby monitors will ever be allowed in my house. Ever.
4. The First Wolf we see in Frozen
I screamed so loud the neighbor came over with a shotgun and the police on speed-dial.
Ok, folks. So I've mentioned Frozen like a gagillion times in my blog... (proof) but so what? It's scary! And I believe the scariest part of the film is when we first see the wolves. My loud scream scared the audience more than the movie did. What followed ranks as Super-Disturbing in my opinion. What happens? Oh, well this poor guy is only eaten alive by wolves and all.
I'm almost too embarrassed to admit to the internet how hard I cried.
Again. Why do the cute ones always die?(I shall investigate this conundrum another day).
3. The Scene from Blade Runner when Roy crushes a man's skull with his bare hands
The glasses UP the pity factor D: Poor old man!
So I'm not a squeamish person at all. And I love Sexy Saturday Alumnus Rutger Hauer. But this scene? Yeuch. It made my stomach roll. I was thoroughly uncomfortable by the end.
I honestly can't even bear to watch this. I've seen this scene twice and it makes me sick. And the look on Hauer's face while he's doing it? AHHH D: And the sound the old man is making as he's dying? Double-AHHH D: Definitely a fitting choice for Halloween.
I may need counseling thanks to this.
2. That scene in Saw when the bad guy jumps out of the closet
Major WTF.
OK. So apparently nobody has thought to put this scene up on the Internet. Anywhere. Seriously. I Put in the Youtube search bar "Saw Camera Flash Scene" and the top video results were "Jizz in my pants", "Taylor Swift- Mine" and "Raccoon attacks". WTF.But those of you who have seen Saw will remember the jumpy scene where a poor, unsuspecting character has the power go out in his apartment. Instead of fleeing from the building with a machine gun in hand (like you should do in a horror movie...) he walked around his apartment, using the flash on his camera to see in the dark. Of course he opens the closet, takes a flash picture and BAM! A scary-as-hell pig-masked individual springs from the closet. And I screamed. LOUD.
1. The Creature of Darkness from The Neverending Story
Ok, people. Here it is. #1. And of course it's non other than G'mork the werewolf from The Neverending Story. Guys, this terrible thing has been haunting me and causing my nightmares since I was about 6 or 7 years old. What's worse than a creature so evil that it has materialized out of pure darkness? It lurks in the forest with glowing green eyes, and, oh right, it talks.
GET THE HELL OUTTA DODGE
It is because of this terrifying 80's puppet that all wolf-like creature flicks are so scary to me. And I have yet to find another movie werewolf that is as scary as this one. Voiced by Alan Oppenheimer, to me this thing is the epitome of nightmare.
Gmork redefines the Big Bad Wolf. And it is because of that he has earned his spot as the #1 Scariest thing I have ever seen.
You know, since it's October I think I'm going to make an effort to review nothing but spooky movies. This may prove to be a bit difficult, because I happen to be a bit of a horror movie chicken...
AHG! Please hold me!
So we're going to warm up with a movie that's not really all that scary. The movie we're talking about today is Red Riding Hood(2011). Directed by none other than Catherine Hardwicke, who, as you may know, hopped aboard the Fail-Train and brought us Twilight (2008).
...unforgivable.
Ok, ok. I'll try to be less of a cynical bitch.
I'm not sure.
Red Riding Hood stars the gorgeous Starlet Amanda Seyfried (Mama Mia, Letters to Juliet, Dear John, etc); Gary Oldman (Harry Potter, The Book of Eli, etc); and Shiloh Fernandez (who hasn't been in any notable productions...).
Might I add, I became thrilled to learn that Gary Oldman would be apart of this movie! Here at the Cinema Club, we love Gary Oldman!
YAY! Gary Oldman!
And he's a fantastic actor! ;)
The movie follows Amanda Seyfried's character, Valerie, and the inhabitants of the haunted village Daggerhorn.
It would appear to be a village inhabited by teenage babes. Hmm. Fancy that.
What is this village haunted by, you may ask? Well, non other than the big bad werewolf, of course!
Naturally, the werewolf aspect of this film appealed to me greatly. I am terrified of such creates! Reason being provided here. Evidence of this fear is noted in several past entries, especiallyhere. So all in all, I have a sort of horrified fascination with shaggy canine thingies with teeth. So when I heard about Red Riding Hood, I got pretty darn excited and spent the first portion of the movie like this:
Shhhhh.... The werewolf is coming.....
My Excitement was quickly distinguished because, well, ..... we'll talk about that later.What's important now is that we get the characters of this film figured out, as the entire movie turns out to be a guessing game, trying to figure out who the big bad wolf is... So, here is an introduction to the characters we see the most in the film:
Valerie:
All the boys like me the best.
Peter:
Potential Sexy Saturday...?
Henry:
He looks like more of a Scott than a Henry to me...
Solomon:
He's the werewolf hunter.
So what we're supposed to gather from this green-screened adventure is that Valerie is in love with Peter (She has been since they were children), and Peter is in love with Valerie. But since Valerie is played by Amanda Seyfried and she's freakin' gorgeous, Henry is also in love with Valerie. But of course Valerie doesn't love him back. Is think looking familiar to some of you people...?
Red Riding Hood Cast...
...Twilight Cast
It's the same damn thing, people.
To which the preteen population of America replies:
So anyways, Werewolf-hunting Gary Oldman (AKA Solomon) comes into the picture on a prancy, floofy white horse. He intends on solving Daggerhorn's Werewolf problem.
Does this look like proper werewolf hunting gear to you? I think not!
The problem is, the werewolf is amongst the villagers, so Gary here kinda has to keep them on lock down.
Guys, this movie was crap.
Medieval girl on girl?
Even their werewolf was disappointing. I personally found Peewee's Big Adventure to be more terrifying than this film.
Oh dear god, make it stop!
But I suppose if you're into that whole teenage-forbidden-love-omg-I-think-I'm-a-werewolf sort of drama, you'll probably enjoy this movie. The acting blew, the writing blew, and the fake snow was an embarrassment.
I can really only think of one thing I liked about this film, and it was the cinematography. Most of the film took place outdoors in the forest and we got an eerie, haunting vibe throughout the film. So kudos, those in charge of the visuals. You guys did a good job.
