300

Alright, kids. Today I'd like to talk about 300 (2006). 

I actually liked it. 
Now I just need to throw this out there... 

It surprises me that so little women watch and/or like the movie 300. I mean, come on! It's practically made for women! A whole bunch of super ripped guys running around in leather speedos and capes!?!? HELLS YES. Oh, and PS: Those weren't ab suits they were wearing. That's right ladies and gents... those were real abs. Ohhh baby... 

REAL!

ALSO REAL!

HOT!

  Though I'll admit, at the beginning of the film I was like: Gerard Butler Ewww put some clothes on! Then that thought process changed and I was left scratching my head, thinking Gee, the Spartan Army sure is great, but wouldn't it be clever of them to invest in some armour? But by the end of the film an army of men in speedos, capes and sandals just felt natural. 

I really like this.

Right, so the movie 300 is about King Leonidas, who led his army of 300 Spartans against The Persian "God King" in the battle of Thermopylae. That's right, 300 Spartans against over a million soldiers on the other side. If you just look at the numbers, that's like the equivalent of the Edmonton Oilers vs The Vancouver Canucks. 

Just look at the points, folks.

 But, much unlike the Oilers, the Spartans were bred for war, and their 300 soldiers were like super men, easily crushing the opposing army. 

This... is.. STEROIDS!!!

I'd also like to mention that the Persian "God King" dude was like, really creepy.... not only am I nearly positive they used a voice transformer to make him sound like a man, but I'm pretty sure he was a drag queen in his spare time. 

Androgynous!

But he's actually played by Brazilian actor Rodrigo Santoro. Ready to have your mind blown?

...

No, seriously. Are you ready?

OMG WTF

Mind = Blown

I know. 

I'm still recovering. 

Right, so pretty much King Leonidas leads his army of Manly-men without the council's permission. On their way to Thermopylae, the Spartans meet up with the Arcadians and some other Greeks, who decide to help unite against the Persians. Now I'm going to mention, I was amused with the thought of the Arcadians. I liked to think of them as Tree Nymphs who scampered along the goat path in robin-hood like gear. Because really thats what they looked like next to the Spartans. 

The most bad-ass Tree Nymph you're ever going to see

Before the fight, Leonidas meets the Hunch Back named Ephialtes, who asks to join the Spartan army. The answer was no. And for a perfectly viable reason.

I don't have a witty caption for this :(

So being told 'No' by Leonidas really pisses off this disfigured Ephialtes, so he runs over to the Persian God King and exposes the Spartan Army's weak spot. 

Jerk.  

So who stars in Zack Snyder's epic Green Screen adventure, you may ask? 

Well of course Gerard Butler as King Leonidas:

I'm petty sure he redefined 'man'

but also David Wenham (he played Faramir in Lord of the Rings):

Obviously I'm the pretty one.

and MICHAEL FASSBENDER (!!!!!!!!), who played that reeeeaaallly hot British Undercover spy in Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. 

YEEESSSS. But srsly pls get a haircut.

 So yeah. It's a solid cast. It's comprised mostly of really hot dudes, though you'd never recognize them under all that dirt and grime and sweat. 

I know right :)

 

Ok ok ok ok.... so let's take a look at what I imagine Zack Snyder's checklist for this film looked like:

[X] Dudes

[X] Speedos

[X] Abs

[X] Violence 

[X] Gore

[X] Awesome Metal Soundtrack 

[X] Instantly quotable lines

Dude... is Zack Snyder gay?!

It's a possibility.

You know, my favorite part of the movie was the fact that the Spartans just NEVER QUIT. Never. I think that is very admirable. I know, you're sitting there pointing at the computer screen screaming "LIAR! You like seeing Fassbender in a cape and speedo!" And to that I say: Yes, dear reader. I do like seeing Fassbender in a speedo. But that isn't my favorite part of the film. I honestly loved the team-work behind the army. They worked as system, which, like I mentioned in the Kevin Zegers Sexy Saturday, I really like. I was thinking during one of the heavy metal battle sequences: You know, someone really aughta name a hockey team after these guys! That would be really cool.

Anyways, after seeing this action packed thrill ride of a movie, I was actually tempted to watch Sucker Punch. 

A whole bunch of us should get together and film a re-make! My back yard could totally be Thermopylae. Hells Yes. 

TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!

So, dear readers ... 

PREPARE FOR GLORY!!!

El Capitain OUT!

 

Well that's dumb.

There are a lot of bad movies out there. You know, those films that seem to insult your intelligence and make you wonder: Who the hell agreed to make this? Yes, those films. We've racked up a few over the years, the list including (in my humble opinion): Caveman (1981, directed by Carl Gottlieb), Short Circuit (1986, directed by John Badham), Phil the Alien (2004, directed by Rob Stefaniuk), and The Pink Panther (2006, directed by Shawn Levy)...just to name a few. 
Upon seeing the trailer for Sucker Punch, all I could really say was: "Well that looks dumb." 
If you ask a guy what he thinks about Sucker Punch, he'll just chuckle awkwardly while trying to hide the tent in his pants. 

...really, guys? Really?...

Not only does the entire movie look green-screened, but the acting looks atrocious and the costumes look like they came  from the clearance rack of a sex store. 

Home for the mentally insane... or brothel!?!?

When I saw that Sucker Punch was rated PG-13 my jaw kinda hit the floor. Speaking of 13, Emily Browning does not look like she was born in '88. 

Jail bait?

I suppose there are things in life we will never understand. For some people, it may be calculus. For others, it may be Shakespeare. For me, it's why someone would spend 85 million dollars on a bunch of girls running around in lingerie.

So will I spend $12.50 to see this in theaters? 

Absolutely not.

Will I hear about it from all my guy friends? 

Most likely.

El Capitain OUT!