Looks like we're back at the 30 Day Challenge, folks. Last Time we explored the amazingness that is Thomas Kretschmann. But today we have to talk about women. Hmm. Well, my favorite actress is Milla Jovovich.
Girl Crush!
I think she's 100% awesome. And the movie we're going to talk about today not only stars Milla Jovovich, but Thomas Kretschmann happens to be in it aswell!
It's like a double whammy. 2x the awesome. Mind is blown. Well, kinda.
So the movie we're talking about is Called Resident Evil: Apocalypse.
...
As I type this my brother is standing behind me trying to untangle my messy horse-riding hair with his fingers. His hand is stuck and it it very distracting.
Bitch, I'm flawless.
Right. So Resident Evil: Apocalypse. For those of you that are not aware, Resident Evil is the best zombie franchise ever. What started out as a video game eventually turned into movies and books. I totally nerd-love Resident Evil like I nerd-love Jurassic Park. And that's a lot.
In the first Resident Evil, we meet Milla Jovovich who plays super-babe Alice. I love Alice. She's amazing. I felt inspired and in the 11th grade I dressed up as her for Halloween. I tore a red dress and dyed my hair just like hers.
I thought my costume was bitchin'. The boys got it. I got high-fived for my zombie ass-kicking getup. The girls I went to school with didn't get it. They just glared at me. One was brave enough to ask why I would dress as a hooker for Halloween. Cue facepalm.
In the movie we're talking about, Alice doesn't wear that hot-as-hell red dress. Instead, she wears ripped jeans and an orange camisole.
And it's Milla Jovovich, so she makes it look hot.
As a matter of fact, Milla Jovovich can make anything look hot.
Even this disaster hair.
Milla Jovovich is the only actress I have genuine respect for. If I had the occupy the skin of another human being for a day, I would want to be in hers. Especially while she was in Resident Evil: Apocalypse. 'Cause Thomas was there. :)
bwaaahhhhh :)
Unfortunately the two don't get along very well. at all. As a matter of fact she watches with a smile as he's pushed out of a helicopter and breaks both his legs. Cue girl-sobs.
But this post isn't about Thomas.
This post is about the gorgeousness that is Milla Jovovich.
And FYI, Milla is on the Twitter.
Follow her up!
@MillaJovovich
So she's beautiful, talented, she's a great mom, and she can kick some zombie-ass. She is pretty much everything I think a woman should be.
I wish I was a bit more like her. <----personal mushiness.
This blog really should be called ThisIsHowIProcrastinate.blogspot or something like that. Because today I have to do a German paper. And I really don't wanna. I even voluntarily paid my Visa bills instead of doing homework. And I hate paying Visa bills. It feels like my soul is being ripped from me through my bank account.
Anyone who has seen the Lord of the Rings movies are familiar with Sam's famous line in regards to potatoes.
"Po-tay-toes... Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick 'em in a stew!"
Yeah. That.
Well today in German class we were covering different cases in the German language. in one exercise we had to identify adjectives in a sentence and figure out what case the sentence is in. Anyways. One of the examples we had to work from was a poster for a Restaurant, a Kartoffelhaus. Now, Kartoffelhaus is, essentially, "potato house". So a restaurant that serves potatoes. Cool. Apparently my prof felt inspired and got into talking about potatoes, because she then asked:
"Was kann man alles mit kartoffeln machen?" Which pretty much means: "what can we do with potatoes?"
Now, my mouth decided to speak without first consulting my brain. This has happened before, when I blurted out PUMPKIN! in my Film class in This post (Clickie the Orange link!). Only this time, instead of screaming PUMPKIN from the utter excitement of my Film Prof talking about Tim Roth in an amphitheater, I decided that German class would be a perfect time to quote the Lord of the Rings.
So, Was kann man alles mit kartoffeln machen?
"BOIL 'EM, MASH 'EM, STICK 'EM IN A STEW!"
And that's how it's done, Canadian Puck Bunny style.
Swag Sauce.
So if you're even in a situation where a professor (or anyone, really) asks you what to do with potatoes, you know now know what to say:
Yes, I am in fact sticking with these Timmy Tuesday shenanigans. Weekly Tim Roth posts are just far too good to resist. I can almost guarantee that after a month or two of Timmy Tuesdays, all you non-believers will be converted Rothy fans. This week's topic is:
Bromance.
Because there are few things more awesome than a good old fashioned bromance.
And believe it or not, Rothy has the whole bromance thing nailed. He does it almost as good as Boston Bruins Brad Marchand and Tyler Seguin.
Death by cuteness!
Now as we know, Tim Roth is pretty much BFFs with Gary Oldman. In relation to Marchand and Seguin, Tim is Brad (they have the same freakin' nose) and Gary is Tyler.
Bromance: You're doing it right.
There is a photo we encountered on the Tim Roth Sexy Saturday that we love here at the Cinema Club. In this photo Tim wrote Gary a note. On his forehead. View below:
Well guess what, folks? Gary wrote him a note back.
Waow.
Fangirl Pandemonium!
So that's pretty darn cute. I like putting the two photos side by side.
When Tim found out Gary thinks he's sexy this was his reaction:
♥
Tim and Gary fans are currently experiencing cuteness overload. Meanwhile, the rest of the world is in awe at Timmy's awesome shirt in the above photo. Although Rothy saves his best bromancing for Gary, he does share his adorableness with other men aswell.
Dear Blogger, thank you for existing so I have something to do other than continually checking NHL trade center when I have a big paper due tomorrow.
I keep "trying" to write my essay. But I end up doing this:
So then I waste time on the NHL's website. Then I make burn myself some lunch. Then I find myself here doing dumb crap like this:
I am still desperate for a pet koala. Can I have one? Pretty please? Pleeease?
As excellent as this procrastination post has been, nothing can beat what I did last semester. Instead of writing my history paper I took a plane to Ontario.
Dearest Readers, so once again it is your favorite day of the week: Sexy Saturday. Before we get into all that awesomeness, I would like to take a moment to talk about a freakin' weird dream I had last night.
As regular readers of this blog know, I am absolutely crazy about hockey. Thursday night my best friend (who my drunken alter-ego, Freddy, renamed to Larry (despite the fact that she is a woman)) and my new friend (otherwise known as Cute Boy, who I told you about in the Most Awkward Post Ever) decided to host a sort of drunken intervention. I was told that I watch too much hockey, that I need to tone it down a little. Of course I wouldn't have any of it, and didn't listen. Although now I think that perhaps they might be a little bit correct. Thursday night I ended up getting into a drunken argument on the train with a random stranger about goalies (my goalie is obviously far superior). And last night I had a dream about that new movie Goon.
For those of you who don't know and/or were too lazy to watch the trailer I posted above, Goon is a movie about a, well, goon, that is hired as an enforcer for a semi-pro hockey team. Starring Seann William Scott, Goon looks like it will actually be really entertaining.
Plus, hockey players are adorable and this line pretty much made my life:
"I like you name. I think it's pretty. Like your face. You have a pretty name and a pretty face."
Best ever. Right, so my dream. Last night I dreamed that Seann William Scott's character, Doug Glatt, came up to say hello. We went to a hockey rink and for some reason I was immensely confused by the jerseys worn by his team and the team he was playing against. I was all:
"Dude, I know every team in the NHL and I can't for the life of me recognize your jerseys! Are you sure you're in the NHL?"
And he was all:
"Yeah, of course! We play for Washington!"
Then I was like:
"Oh, ok, that makes perfect sense, the Washington Capitals don't exist anymore."
And that was it.
I am ashamed of my dream self for not considering minor/fictional hockey leagues. Meanwhile, all Washington Capital fans shake their heads in dismay at me and remind that their team does, in fact, still exist. Now, enough of that and onwards to:
Sexy Saturday
Today's Sexy Saturday is entirely unrelated to any of the shenanigans I posted above. This week's man is actually someone you never would have guessed would be crowned as a Sexy Saturday. He was in movies since before you were born. Since before your parents were born. Today I am proud to introduce:
Paul Henreid!
He is classy. I am classy. And if you approve, you are also classy.
Though Paul Henreid has been in a whole whack of movies from the 40's to the 70's, perhaps his most memorable role was in Casablanca, as his character Victor Laszlo.
Handsome fellow on the right
If you have not seen Casablanca, you should follow the steps provided below:
Protocol For Not Having Seen Casablanca:
Step 1: Slap self across face
Step 2: Watch Casablanca
Right. So for those of you who have not seen Casablanca (shame!) or any of the movies/TV shows he did through the 50's and 60's (don't worry, neither have I) have no fear, you're likely not missing out. As Paul Henreid was in Exorcist II: The Heretic. He played the Cardinal. I haven't seen that movie nor can I find a screen shot. All I have to say is how unfortunate, to go from Casablanca to practically an extra in the sequel to the Exorcist.
So Paul Henreid was born in Austria on January 10th, 1908. This amazing fellow died on March 29th, 1992 in California. Though he is obviously a successful actor (Check out his Filmography!) he will always be adored for his lovely character in Casablanca.
This is the most handsome and classy dude ever featured here on The Cinema Club. Here is a little video thingy for you to enjoy (starring of course Paul Henreid's handsome face).
Dear Readers, so my Tequila week has gotten back on track, thanks of course to last night. Before I get into that, I'd like to mention that The Cinema Club is now on Youtube. Here is a link to our channel: Clicky this Link to go to the Youtube! Unfortunately, the channel is extremely boring at this moment and there aren't any videos to watch. Yet.
Right. So I'd like to mention all the shenanigans I got into last night, as it was ever so much fun. But since this is a movie blog, I must avoid the personal anecdotes as much as possible. So I cleverly mashed Movies and Tequila Night together and created a video to share with you all. So here it is:
The Story of my Night, Cleverly Retold via Movie Clips
Now that I'm all partied out, I'm ready to just eat popcorn, play video games, and watch movies with my brother and our two cats. What's this? I have 3 novels to read for my English class? SHHHHHHHHH!
Shush your mouth, we're on vacation.
ALSO, the Oscars are on Sunday and there isn't a hockey game that day, so I will be able to watch the awards from start to finish.
OSCARS!
Regulars here at the Cinema Club will be attending the Oscars on the 26th. We'll be looking out for George Clooney (as per usual) and Gary Oldman, as they are both nominated for best actor in a Leading Role.
Furthermore, Tintinhas been nominated for Original score and I am entirely disgusted that it hasn't been nominated for Animated Feature. Seriously, who was smoking enough crack to not nominate Tin-freakin'-tin for best animated feature??? Uhhhg.
Drive, which was just previously "reviewed" by the Cinema Club (psst, scroll down!) has been nominated for Sound Editing.
I'm looking forward to seeing Ryan Gosling on the red carpet. And I'm crossing my fingers that Tim Roth will decide to make an appearance. Meanwhile, I am extremely hungry and this post ends now.
So my Reading Break isn't going according to plan. At all. As a matter of fact, I can no longer even call it Tequila Week. It is, in fact, Reading Break. Seriously, FML. I had a Tequila Saturday, and that's about it. Since then I've been spending more time with my brother and my cats than I have with other normal human beings.
Everybody Else's Reading Break = getting drunk, partying, and forgetting about life for a while. My Reading Break = Watching The Thing with my brother and our two cats while texting all my friends that have girlfriends and wondering what the fuck is wrong with me.
*Cue Icecream*
So it is 5pm and instead of blasting tunes and getting ready to go out, I am going to review the movie Drive.
Lucky for us, Drive (directed by Nicolas Winding Refn) stars Ryan Gosling. And as we know, Ryan Gosling is the human equivalent of God.
And I'm not going to lie to you all, I kind of have a thing for guys that handle hot cars well. I like guys that appreciate sporty cars and know how to drive standard. Once Upon a time we explored this topic in the Jason Statham Sexy Saturday. Now, of course, if that guy happens to be Ryan Gosling, obviously I'm in some kind of heaven.
Obviously we're all in some kind of heaven
Now, this movie is actually really weird, for a number of reasons.
Reason #1: Ryan Gosling's Character doesn't have a name. Yeah. He's either referred to as "kid" or "the Driver" or whatever. Since I don't want to constantly refer to him as "Ryan Gosling's Character" for the rest of this post, let's just call him Sexy Pants.
Reason #2: Sexy Pants is the strangest character ever. 20 minutes into the film, my brother turned to me and in all seriousness asked: "Is he... simple?" (meaning: is he like Forrest Gump?) I think Gosling tried to portray a quiet, brooding character, but all that came out was an awkwardly silent personality that my brother mistook for mental retardation.
Reason #3:This movie is Ultra-Violent and it's a complete surprise. Through the first third of the film we're under the impression that this may be a cool action movie. But then out of nowhere comes this brutal gore-fest that even Alex DeLarge would have an issue with. The Elevator Scene? GOOD GOD.
Reason #4:Sexy Pants is the most inconsistent character practically ever. He starts off as this shy adorable sporty guy that I would be crushing on hardcore in real life. Then suddenly he turns into this smooth family-man/babysitter. Then suddenly he's an action hero, then an assassin, then I don't even know what. Plus, it would have been easy for Gosling to memorize his lines because he practically had none.
Reason #5: The ending was more suspenseful and OMG than the twist in the Sixth Sense (well, for Gosling fan-girls anyways).
Before I rag on this movie anymore, here are some screen shots of Ryan Gosling doing his thing and being gorgeous:
Hot like fire.
I've always had a thing for (blonde) Grease-Monkeys.
MEANWHILE:
I just got my Visa Bill and I am LESS THAN PLEASED. *Cue Icecream*
Not even Gosling's face can take away the pain caused by my Visa bill (which doesn't yet include the bazillion dollar gift I bought my friend and that ridiculously expensive cab-ride I took on Saturday AND my University Tuition...)
FML
FML
FML
FML
FML
FML
FML
I need a vacation away from my vacation.
I can't even cope with life right now. My Hockey Team is playing tonight but my luck happens to be directly linked with their luck and today is not a lucky day. The only word present in my mind right now is DOOMED.
This will be me in 5 years if things keep going the way they are now.
I don't even have the enthusiasm to keep talking about Drive. All I have to say is, its only worth your while if you're in it to admire Ryan Gosling's hotness. Or if you enjoy seeing some bitch's head get blown up by a shotgun. Or if you want to see Ryan Gosling slap a bitch across the face (which was actually kind of hot in an omg-I-have-problems sort of way). And I guess that scene where he carries that little boy through the hallway...
Actually, Ryan Gosling carrying anything is awesome.
Here at the Cinema Club, it's pretty clear that we love Tim Roth. Since he's active on the Twitter, I figured it would be good to pay a weekly tribute to the British Sexy Saturday Alumnus.
I love this snarky mofugga.
So on the very first weekly Timmy Tuesday I would like to apologize for lying to you all in the last Newsies post, where I excitedly stated that Rothy has been nominated for an Academy Award. Err... not so much. Sorry to disappoint you folks, but he just voted. LE SIGH. I think the last time he was nominated was for his role as Archibald Cunningham in Rob Roy back in the 90's.
A powdered wig movie.
Then again I could be wrong. Because apparently I invent my own reality to suit my fancy. Isn't that what crazy people do? Well it is Tequila Week Reading Break, so I think that's a good enough excuse to be a little bit loony tunes.
Speaking of Loony Tunes, check out how Tim Roth catches the elevator:
Yes, I know. I just wrote you guys a farewell message, letting you all know that I'll be crazy busy partying my buns off this week. And believe you me, I did indeed party like a Rockstarr last night. I'm spending today recuperating. Believe me, folks. Drinking Tequila Straight from a glass is fun but also leads to shenanigans which leads to being very tired. I got home at 4am and shared a bed with my cat. Instead of going out again this evening I stayed in and watched a movie. And this is a pretty good movie. The film I saw today is called The Thing. And I'm not talking about the one done in the 1950's or John Carpenter's creation that earned a 10/10 on the WTF-Scale. I'm talking about the remake of the remake.
The Thing (2011) is directed by some dude whose name I can't pronounce. Matthijs van Heijningen Jr. As far as I'm concerned and for the rest of this entry, the director's name is pronounced like this:
Now that we have the director's name all cleared up, let us begin.
So The Thing takes place in Antarctica, which is pretty much the best setting for a horror movie. Why is this? Not only is it entirely isolated and help is nowhere to be found, it's really fucking cold.
Brr.
As my Father would say, Antarctica is located on "the bum of the planet" therefore it receives very little sunlight. And you and I both know that horror movies are scariest when they're in the dark! So a team of scientists, etc, are called forth when an interesting discovery is made... a Space ship, that is. And a specimen.
[Insert spooky oooooo sound here]
So in case you were unaware,The Thing is in fact an alien movie. And I think it's a fantastic alien movie. Not only is it quite similar to the classic Alien, but it also has a demonic possession feeling to it.
This movie does an excellent job at drawing you in, right from the start. The idea in this movie is that the Alien has the ability to take the form of the last being it kills. So naturally, the monster could be anyone at the base...
Well this is awkward.
My brother and I turned into hardcore detectives during this film. We were practically documenting everybody's whereabouts on a freakin' clipboard for the duration of the film. We'd pause and take attendance, just like Middle School. We were Sherlock and Watson. The baddest brother/sister alien detection squad there ever was.
So I suppose its fair to say that this movie is extremely gripping. Either that or my brother and I got way too intense and enjoyed the movie too much. Now, I'd like to mention something. Whenever I pick a favorite character in a movie, they're always doomed. Doomed to die a terrible death. Example:
Favorite:
Thomas Kretschmann as Major Cain in Resident Evil: Apocalypse
Result:
Nibbled by Zombies.
Favorite:
♥Tim Roth as Mr. Orange in Reservoir Dogs♥
Result:
Bleeding to death
Favorite:
John Hurt as Kane in Alien
Result:
Alien bursts through chest.
etc.
Despite my unfortunate talent for getting the guys I declare my favorite inmovieskilled , I continually insist on picking favesies. And I picked a favorite in The Thing.
*Facepalm*
I couldn't resist! He was really hot in a Tim Roth sort of way so I had to declare that he was my favorite.
This is he.
Mmmmmm! Me likey! Me likey! He's British. I love his character's snarky attitude. And since I never really picked up on his name through the film, I named him myself. I called him:
My Babe.
Though he was mostly called My Babe, he was also referred to as "The Brit" in my bro and I's attendance calls.
Shush your mouth, we're taking attendance!
Seriously, though. Don't you agree? Isn't he fantastic? He's hot and he's got a bad attitude. He's the kind of guy that would be allowed to bring handcuffs into my bedroom, if you know what I mean.
You can adore his face at 1:34. He's the one on the far right:
And here he is gnawing on gum and being a friendly mofugga at the premier:
I've gotten off track.
Where was I going with this? Ah, yes. Favorites. Doomed.
I'm sorry I killed you! Waa. *Icecream*
In all seriousness, My Babe aside, this is a really great film. It's even more fun when you get into it like my brother and I did. My Bro pretty much had his shit together. He had it all figured out, he knew what the deal was, he kept tabs on the characters, he was on the ball. Me, not so much. I spent most of the movie realizing I probably wouldn't make it that long. While my brother was the Bear Grylls of Antarctica and Aliens, I was like:
I WOULD HAVE DIED.
Not to mention I would likely spend the entire time bitching about the weather.
I'm cold! Its snowing! I wanna go home! Give me hot chocolate! I can't find my warm socks! Pay attention to me! I'm cold! I can see my breath! Someone lend me their jacket! Don't actually give me your jacket, you'll freeze! I'm cold! BRR! It's really fucking Brr outside! I want hot chocolate! I want to be in Mexico! Why isn't it nice outside? Someone light a fire!
Etc.
I'd pretty much be the first to go. So I'll just enjoy my position as the observer and cheer for My Babe as he fights aliens in the frigid cold.
Ok, I keep trying to get serious but the tequila that's still lingering in my system is prohibiting that.
Let's put it this way, the first bit of the movie is actually really grody. Its scary as hell and you can't help but cringe and consider turning off the TV/ encouraging the characters to get on the helicopter while they still have a chance. The scene where we see the shower is actually horrifying (and that's coming from someone who is not squeamish at the sight of blood in the slightest bit).
You do have to pay attention though, as the characters can be a bit tricky to keep tabs on: Who is Lars, again? Is he the guy with the beard? <--- My point.
Although I have never seen John Carpenter's The Thing (I know, a movie sin) I get the feeling that it might be scarier than this new one. Though of course I cannot actually say this, as I have not seen it. This new movie is supposedly the Prequel to Carpenter's. I am rather excited to see the 80's version. I was once told to watch The Thing while its snowing outside, as it "heightens the tension". Believe it or not it's not actually snowing up here in the Great White North, so I'll just have to make do without.
The Final Word: I recommend it. This movie was fun and there were a number of scenes that surprised me so bad I either jumped out of my skin or screamed a little (or both). BUT if you're excited that this movie takes place in Antarctica because thats where the Penguins live, I'll tell you that you shouldn't get your hopes up, as the penguins had enough sense to get the hell outta dodge.
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